Thursday, January 31, 2008

Meet the Spartans Gives Hope to Screenwriters Everywhere



Did you see that new movie out? That Meet the Spartans movie? Thank goodness it was made, because it gives hope to all aspiring screenwriters (like me!). If absolute crap like that can be made, then my wonderful screenplay (called Love in the Time of Hedge Funds, a romantic comedy about a Hedge Fund manager who falls in love with a venture capitalist and they live happily ever after earning a 19% return on invested capital) can be made into a movie! Seriously, if they greenlighted that shlock, then I definitely have a chance. Even my other screenplay - a touching biopic about the rise and fall of Lionel Richie, set against the backdrop of the CIA incursions into Central America - has hope.

I've always wanted to be a screenwriter. Ever since I learned that I was Jewish, I wanted to go to Hollywood and write scripts. I mean, I must have the talent, right? I mean, look at me! I have to be a screenwriter. As sure as David married Bathsheba, I'm going to be Hollywood bound. At least, I will be now that Meet the Spartans was made into a movie. I'll just bring that script to an agent and be like, "Look...this was made into a movie. Now read about Lionel Richie and cry tears of money!" I mean, any movie that has Carmen Electra with a prominent speaking role should be taken with a grain of salt. Or in this case, the whole damn container of salt. But that's a good thing because I think she'll make a great Hedge Fund manager in my screenplay. Doesn't that sound perfect? I'm Jewish, trust me about the funny stuff. It's in my blood.

I have to go now. My waitress is bringing my order (3 bottles of Ensure and some rye toast), and then I have a meeting with my agent. I think it's going to go well. Thank you Meet the Spartans for giving me hope and confidence!

Best,
Ira Lishawitz

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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Monday, January 21, 2008

Lindsay Lohan Weighs In On The Presidential Election



Dear People of the United something of...uh...you know,

I am not going to vote in this election. Ha ha! Fooled ya. All of you probably thought I'd be voting, right? You all thought I'd be the first person on line on election day to vote for the bestest candidate for the head President position in America, didn't you? Yeah, you did. That's cuz you're all stupiddddddd!!! No, I'm not drunk right now. Okay, maybe a little, but that's okay because I'm in a new type of rehab program. You know, where you're allowed to get drunk as long as you don't drink any more. Make sense. Great!

But even though I'm not voting (Ed Note: there's a new federal law that prevents people who show their nipple online from voting in an election. Google it. Sorry, Ashley Tisdale.), I still have a thought or two on who should be our head President. Okay, maybe just one thought. C'mon, did you ever think I'd have more than one thought at a time! Ha ha ha ha ha...you are all suckers!!! Anywhoooooo, I'm going to tell you who should be the head President, and you all should listen. Elect this person in November or December or whenever the election is and I'll be a happy person. And the country will be a better place. Mainly the former.

Basically, you should elect Tom Brady as our next head President. He's so cute! And I feel bad that he has such a small penis. How do I know? Let's just say that a certain supermodel from Brazil told me! And I had sex with him after the football game last night. My firecrotch was back in action!!! Yuppers. With the grandmaster of New England football himself, Mr. Thomas Brady. It wasn't that good because he kept calling out his own name and kept calling me Eli. That was weird. But I blacked out for most of it, so I guess it couldn't have been that bad! Anyways, he should definitely be head President of the United Americas. If not him, then perhaps Ron Paul because I agree with his tax reform and Iraq war policies. Nah...just vote for Tommy Brady. He's my candidate 4-ever!!! I hope he wins that Super Bowl thing, even though Boston fans are completely insufferable and self-absorbed and need a good ass-kicking. Either way, I'm sure I'll fuck the winner. Or the loser. Everyone's a winner!

Tom Brady and his small penis for head President! Go out and vote today. Do it a lot. Just like TRL. Whippee!!!!

Love and Vodka,
Lindsay Lohan

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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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