Now is the Time, Jennifer Love Hewitt
Dear Ms. Hewitt,
First, let me clear something up. I'm not the stalker who has been restrained from seeing you. While it may seem that I am obsessed, mine is a healthy fixation. Okay, maybe the term "healthy fixation" is a bit of an oxymoron, but I think you know what I mean. No, you probably don't know what I mean, but I have a good lawyer and that's all I'm saying. Thankfully you were not hurt and I hope that nobody else every stalks you again. Healthy fixations from afar are good. That is all.
Second, let me express my condolences on your recent breakup with a certain Ross McCall. Nobody should ever feel the pangs of heartbreak, particularly when nuptials are so close at hand. Well, except for Jason Alexander. He's a real dick. Other than him, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Okay, maybe singer-songwriter Seal, as well. He's a grade A dick. Do you know that he actually killed one of my puppies? Not kidding. He was vacationing near where I live, and I was running on the beach with one of my new puppies and he just snatched it up and broke its neck. No remorse. He then threw it at me. What a pussy! I tried to prosecute but the cops were like, "It's Seal. What are you going to do?" I dropped the case and never received justice. I think the cops were afraid of him. Maybe he killed some of their puppies as well. But I digress. The point is...I am very sorry that you are no longer getting married. I would never wish this on you. However, sometimes the greatest disappointments yield the greatest opportunities. And now, my dear Ms. Hewitt, is your opportunity.
Pose for Playboy. Show Mr. McCall what he is missing. Show him what he will forever be denied. Show him the true essence of your soul, and by your soul, I mean your breasts. Reveal the meat puppets that have captivated the world for over a decade and you will be redeemed. I know that you worked out vigorously to get in shape for your wedding. Why waste that work? You should show Mr. McCall, and the world, just how amazing your renewed conditioning efforts have been. The ONLY way to do this is to reveal your boobs to the world in a display of toplessness so amazing, the sun may actually stop burning in reverence. Yes, Ms. Hewitt, your breasts have the ability to stop fusion. That is not just a power, it is a responsibility for action.
Think of the consequences of not posing. World hunger, terrorism, rampant puppy-murdering by Seal. It's a no-brainer. Now is the time, Ms. Hewitt. We're approaching the 3 year anniversary of my quixotic quest in the form of this website, and my call to action has never been more pressing or relevant. The world is a terrible and scary place, particularly for you right now, and you have but one option to create impact - pose for Playboy. I would like to open my browser tomorrow and see the headline "Jennifer Love Hewitt to Pose for Playboy." It would be a fine day, a proud day, and a monumental day in the history of humankind. And all because of you.
So I urge you, Ms. Hewitt, to make the right choice. Pose for Playboy, show your sweater puppies, and shine on you crazy diamond. Although just pray that Seal is not watching as he may attack your puppies. Heaven forbid that happening. Heaven forbid, indeed.
A Concerned Fan
Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition
Tags: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Playboy, Pose For Playboy, Jennifer Love Hewitt Playboy, pussy