Monday, January 19, 2009

Scientists Prove that Watching The Bachelor Lowers Human and Monkey IQ



Hollywood, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Scientists at Dartmouth University held a press conference today to announce the highly anticipated results of a 3 year research study examining the linkage between IQ loss in both humans and chimps and watching ABC's The Bachelor. The study, which was initially criticized by 30-year-old-single-women-with-3-cats' rights groups, was lauded by the scientific community for breaking new ground in the ongoing analysis of the brain numbing effects of prime-time reality-based love farces. The study conclusively proved, for the first time in the history of mankind, a direct link between IQ loss and repeated viewing of reality television, specifically ABC's dreadful The Bachelor. 14 monkeys and 10 adult males showed a dramatic drop in IQ totals after 3 months of watching 2 hours a week of ABC's pathetic The Bachelor. 6 control groups, comprised of a similar number of chimps and adult males, watched two hours a week of either Eight is Enough, The Family Guy, German Shit-Porn, ABC's brutal Grey's Anatomy, House, or Heroes, and showed no similar loss of mental capacity. Although Grey's Anatomy did cause uncontrollable diarrhea in the chimps (which they promptly flung at the adult males. Repeatedly).

The study started off rocky as the first group of 14 monkeys and 10 adult males descended into instant violence, killing each other and smearing blood all over the walls of the room. The scientists then realized that injecting the test subjects with cocaine prior to the study was not a good idea, and so they restarted the study without the hardcore drugs. It was a good choice as the next batch of test subjects refrained from killing each other. The scientists used the cocaine and had a massive sex party with the slightly overweight and homely student body.

For years the scientific community had postulated about the potential for IQ loss from watching shows like The Bachelor, but for many years the theory remained just that - a theory. Then one night, the "gang of 8" (the nickname given to the Dartmouth scientists by a rape accuser back in 1998) conceived of the chimp-male test...and 3 months later, history was made. Sources close to the scientists indicate that they are cautiously optimistic about the results of the study, and hope to repeat it with an all monkey test group, to really test out its validity.

No word yet from ABC about the study, but one executive was quoted as saying, "No shit."


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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16 Comments:

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6:46 AM  
Anonymous Alex Dumpfree said...

This petition is to get Jennifer Love Hewitt to pose for Playboy. Many celebrities get offered millions of dollars for posing for the men's mag.

12:25 PM  

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