Thursday, January 01, 2009

We are The World - Where Are They Now (Part II)

It's time for part 2 of our tribute to"We are the World." Happy New Year! Here's to hoping you didn't Aykroyd all over yourself last night.

Dionne Warwick

What a weird life. Ms. Warwick is one of the most decorated female vocalists of all time, recording more Billboard Top 200 "rock" hits than anyone other than the Michelin Man (translation - Aretha Franklin). She was a freakin' United Nations ambassador. Hell, she even worked with the famed Burt Bacharach. Yet after "We are the World" she went on to host infomercials for the Psychic Friends Hotline for 8 years. Why the fuck would she do that? Seriously, that's like Warren Buffet deciding, "You know, I've been pretty successful at this whole investing thing, maybe I'll go star in a snuff film. That won't completely undermine the legacy I spent so much time and effort building." Yes, the Psychic Friends Holine has been compared to a snuff film. It's really not that different.

On a positive note, she is Whitney "Crack is Whack" Houston's cousin. Now THAT women has had a hell of a life since WATW.

Willie Nelson

We all know about the tax evasion. Too easy a joke. Don't worry, Nelson's whole life has been a joke, so there are plenty of incidents to discuss since "WATW" in 1986.

From Wikipedia: "Country musician Willie Nelson's cover of "Cowboys Are Frequently, Secretly Fond of Each Other" (iTunes single February 14, 2006) is the first gay-themed mainstream country song by a major artist.


From Wikipedia: "In May 2008, Willie Nelson appeared in Amsterdam with rap icon Snoop Dogg where they did a live version of "SuperMan". Subsequently the two have become friends and recently released a video "My Medicine", which has received much play on YouTube."


Al Jarreau

Who? Apparently this dude won 7 Grammys, and he's the only vocalist in history to win in three separate categories: jazz, pop, and R&B. Oh, a Grammy...we remember when those were relevant. Never. Rob Schneider has more fans than this guy. Hell, this website has more fans than this guy. But he has 7 Grammys (two since "WATW"), so let's all get down on our knees and shine his nuts.

Bruce Springsteen

Do we really need to go through this exercise? Yes, he's been successful. Yes, you've all heard of him. There's nothing funny about him except during the song he looked like he was about to rupture his rectum with a huge shit. Ha ha, very funny (but it's true...check the video). Let's move on.

Kenny Loggins and Steve Perry

This is the ultimate 80s power duo. When Quincy Jones, Michael Jackson, and Lionel "My daughter, Nicole, isn't a whore...okay, she is" Richie were assembling the singers for this classic song, do you think they said, "We need the Footloose and Journey guy." Of course they did! Loggins just wrapped up Highway to the Danger Zone from Top Gun, and Journey was...well...Journey. It wouldn't have been an 80s moment if these two weren't there. But now? Loggins is working on a song for the new Tigger movie. Yes, Tigger from Winnie the freakin' Pooh. As for Steve Perry...since singing two lines in WATW, he had hip replacement surgery. That's about it. So, in sum, Kenny Loggins and Steve Perry are now officially old men. The 80's suck.

Daryl Hall

Not to be outdone by the Loggins and Perry 80s power duo, here comes Daryl Hall. Mr. Hall was considered somewhat of an 80s sex symbol. Then again, anyone standing next to John Oates would be a sex symbol. It's kind of fitting that Oates was a member of the WATW ensemble, but only Hall got a solo. I bet that still eats Oates up inside. The bitterness must be palpable whenever they get together, which clearly isn't in front of crowds anymore. Although they did make a "humorous" appearance on the Daily Show recently, singing a tribute to Alan Colmes. Two has beens singing to an imminent has been; it's quite fitting.

Unfortunately, we have a confession to make. The editors of Please Do It Ms. Hewitt actually went to a Hall and Oates the 90s. Just like Daryl Hall's post WATW career, it wasn't memorable.

Huey Lewis

Huey Lewis sans "The News" is just wrong. It leaves you unfulfilled. It's like eating a peanut butter sandwich without the jelly. A club sandwich without the bacon. A rape sandwich without the Kobe Bryant (yes, that's a dated reference...but still a good with it). In other words, it just ain't right. And for this act of hubris, Mr. Lewis paid dearly. Where did his career go since this song? Nowhere, friends. It dropped faster than Lindsay Lohan's pants at an all you can eat "sushi" buffet. Sure, he had a platinum and gold album in the 5 years following the song, but what has he done lately? Okay, maybe he and "The News" teamed up once again to write the theme for the Seth Rogan classic Pineapple Express, but anything else? Yeah, told you so. In Huey's case, it seems as though the news have gone out of print.

Cyndi Lauper,

She sang probably the most memorable few lines in the song, in the process totally ruining a completely professional and well-sung classic with screeching and childish behavior. But that's why we loved Cindi. That and her freakish, yet somewhat attractive looks. And her completely flat chest. Check out the "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" video and you'll see. It's been burned in our memories. Since WATW, Ms. Lauper has had an interesting career. She was the musical director for The Goonies and worked so many 12 hour days that she developed gynecological problems (not kidding on this one). That's something you don't hear every day. Can you imagine if that happened all the time? Investment banks would smell like fish markets.

"Hey, Adams, can you stay overnight and complete that report for the big pitch tomorrow?"
"I'd love to boss, but my pussy won't let me."
"That's right, I remember the last time. It took 10 janitors to get that stench out!"

Gross. And her career hasn't been the same since.

Kim Carnes

"Bette Davis Eyes." Seriously, are we missing something? Why didn't they just invite every 1 hit wonder? Where are Tommy Tutone? Or Soft Cell? Or the chick who sang "Hey Mickey?" Can we all agree that WATW would have been even better if there was a wide-eyed 40-year-old cheerleader jumping around singing "Hey Ethiopians, you're so fine, you blow my mind, hey Ethy...hey Ethy!" Alright, maybe not. And that's why 1 hit wonders shouldn't be there. So who did Kim Carnes fuck to get a spot? Oh, that's right, the next guy.

Gary Coleman

A frequent contributor to Please Do It Ms. Hewitt, Gary Coleman played a key role in the making of "We are the World." He reportedly introduced Lionel Richie to Michael Jackson. It's true! He also came up with part of the title ("the" was his idea). He sang a solo too, but his "There are people dying...whatchu talkin' bout not lending a hand" was rejected at the last minute. Also, he fucked Kim Carnes and got her a spot on the roster. This is all true. Google it.

Ray Charles


Bob Dylan

Since WATW, Dylan has had a tumultuous life. First he dated Brenda, then he dated Kelly, then he slept with Valerie, then Gina Kincaid, and then he finally fathered Kelly's child. What a few years it's been!


That about wraps it up for our little retrospective. Sure, there were others in attendance. Pretty much every member of the Jackson family except Janet (translation - all the ones without talent who definitely had an available Saturday to record this) were present. Yes, even Latoya. The aforementioned Aykroyd was there. Even Bette "Has there ever been a last name that better describes my ability as an actress/singer" Midler and the Pointer Sisters, best known for penning the lyrics to Jesse Spano's greatest song "I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...scared." (here). But the ones chronicled above are the soloists, and as we all know, if you don't have the mic, you don't get the pussy. Except if your Tommy Lee. Or Wilford Brimley.

Or Dan Aykroyd, of course.


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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