Monday, January 19, 2009

Scientists Prove that Watching The Bachelor Lowers Human and Monkey IQ



Hollywood, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Scientists at Dartmouth University held a press conference today to announce the highly anticipated results of a 3 year research study examining the linkage between IQ loss in both humans and chimps and watching ABC's The Bachelor. The study, which was initially criticized by 30-year-old-single-women-with-3-cats' rights groups, was lauded by the scientific community for breaking new ground in the ongoing analysis of the brain numbing effects of prime-time reality-based love farces. The study conclusively proved, for the first time in the history of mankind, a direct link between IQ loss and repeated viewing of reality television, specifically ABC's dreadful The Bachelor. 14 monkeys and 10 adult males showed a dramatic drop in IQ totals after 3 months of watching 2 hours a week of ABC's pathetic The Bachelor. 6 control groups, comprised of a similar number of chimps and adult males, watched two hours a week of either Eight is Enough, The Family Guy, German Shit-Porn, ABC's brutal Grey's Anatomy, House, or Heroes, and showed no similar loss of mental capacity. Although Grey's Anatomy did cause uncontrollable diarrhea in the chimps (which they promptly flung at the adult males. Repeatedly).

The study started off rocky as the first group of 14 monkeys and 10 adult males descended into instant violence, killing each other and smearing blood all over the walls of the room. The scientists then realized that injecting the test subjects with cocaine prior to the study was not a good idea, and so they restarted the study without the hardcore drugs. It was a good choice as the next batch of test subjects refrained from killing each other. The scientists used the cocaine and had a massive sex party with the slightly overweight and homely student body.

For years the scientific community had postulated about the potential for IQ loss from watching shows like The Bachelor, but for many years the theory remained just that - a theory. Then one night, the "gang of 8" (the nickname given to the Dartmouth scientists by a rape accuser back in 1998) conceived of the chimp-male test...and 3 months later, history was made. Sources close to the scientists indicate that they are cautiously optimistic about the results of the study, and hope to repeat it with an all monkey test group, to really test out its validity.

No word yet from ABC about the study, but one executive was quoted as saying, "No shit."


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Now is the Time, Jennifer Love Hewitt


Dear Ms. Hewitt,

First, let me clear something up. I'm not the stalker who has been restrained from seeing you. While it may seem that I am obsessed, mine is a healthy fixation. Okay, maybe the term "healthy fixation" is a bit of an oxymoron, but I think you know what I mean. No, you probably don't know what I mean, but I have a good lawyer and that's all I'm saying. Thankfully you were not hurt and I hope that nobody else every stalks you again. Healthy fixations from afar are good. That is all.

Second, let me express my condolences on your recent breakup with a certain Ross McCall. Nobody should ever feel the pangs of heartbreak, particularly when nuptials are so close at hand. Well, except for Jason Alexander. He's a real dick. Other than him, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Okay, maybe singer-songwriter Seal, as well. He's a grade A dick. Do you know that he actually killed one of my puppies? Not kidding. He was vacationing near where I live, and I was running on the beach with one of my new puppies and he just snatched it up and broke its neck. No remorse. He then threw it at me. What a pussy! I tried to prosecute but the cops were like, "It's Seal. What are you going to do?" I dropped the case and never received justice. I think the cops were afraid of him. Maybe he killed some of their puppies as well. But I digress. The point is...I am very sorry that you are no longer getting married. I would never wish this on you. However, sometimes the greatest disappointments yield the greatest opportunities. And now, my dear Ms. Hewitt, is your opportunity.

Pose for Playboy. Show Mr. McCall what he is missing. Show him what he will forever be denied. Show him the true essence of your soul, and by your soul, I mean your breasts. Reveal the meat puppets that have captivated the world for over a decade and you will be redeemed. I know that you worked out vigorously to get in shape for your wedding. Why waste that work? You should show Mr. McCall, and the world, just how amazing your renewed conditioning efforts have been. The ONLY way to do this is to reveal your boobs to the world in a display of toplessness so amazing, the sun may actually stop burning in reverence. Yes, Ms. Hewitt, your breasts have the ability to stop fusion. That is not just a power, it is a responsibility for action.

Think of the consequences of not posing. World hunger, terrorism, rampant puppy-murdering by Seal. It's a no-brainer. Now is the time, Ms. Hewitt. We're approaching the 3 year anniversary of my quixotic quest in the form of this website, and my call to action has never been more pressing or relevant. The world is a terrible and scary place, particularly for you right now, and you have but one option to create impact - pose for Playboy. I would like to open my browser tomorrow and see the headline "Jennifer Love Hewitt to Pose for Playboy." It would be a fine day, a proud day, and a monumental day in the history of humankind. And all because of you.

So I urge you, Ms. Hewitt, to make the right choice. Pose for Playboy, show your sweater puppies, and shine on you crazy diamond. Although just pray that Seal is not watching as he may attack your puppies. Heaven forbid that happening. Heaven forbid, indeed.

Thank you.

Best Regards,
A Concerned Fan


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Thursday, January 01, 2009

We are The World - Where Are They Now (Part II)

It's time for part 2 of our tribute to"We are the World." Happy New Year! Here's to hoping you didn't Aykroyd all over yourself last night.


Dionne Warwick




What a weird life. Ms. Warwick is one of the most decorated female vocalists of all time, recording more Billboard Top 200 "rock" hits than anyone other than the Michelin Man (translation - Aretha Franklin). She was a freakin' United Nations ambassador. Hell, she even worked with the famed Burt Bacharach. Yet after "We are the World" she went on to host infomercials for the Psychic Friends Hotline for 8 years. Why the fuck would she do that? Seriously, that's like Warren Buffet deciding, "You know, I've been pretty successful at this whole investing thing, maybe I'll go star in a snuff film. That won't completely undermine the legacy I spent so much time and effort building." Yes, the Psychic Friends Holine has been compared to a snuff film. It's really not that different.

On a positive note, she is Whitney "Crack is Whack" Houston's cousin. Now THAT women has had a hell of a life since WATW.


Willie Nelson




We all know about the tax evasion. Too easy a joke. Don't worry, Nelson's whole life has been a joke, so there are plenty of incidents to discuss since "WATW" in 1986.

From Wikipedia: "Country musician Willie Nelson's cover of "Cowboys Are Frequently, Secretly Fond of Each Other" (iTunes single February 14, 2006) is the first gay-themed mainstream country song by a major artist.

Yup.

From Wikipedia: "In May 2008, Willie Nelson appeared in Amsterdam with rap icon Snoop Dogg where they did a live version of "SuperMan". Subsequently the two have become friends and recently released a video "My Medicine", which has received much play on YouTube."

Yup.

Al Jarreau




Who? Apparently this dude won 7 Grammys, and he's the only vocalist in history to win in three separate categories: jazz, pop, and R&B. Oh, a Grammy...we remember when those were relevant. Never. Rob Schneider has more fans than this guy. Hell, this website has more fans than this guy. But he has 7 Grammys (two since "WATW"), so let's all get down on our knees and shine his nuts.

Bruce Springsteen




Do we really need to go through this exercise? Yes, he's been successful. Yes, you've all heard of him. There's nothing funny about him except during the song he looked like he was about to rupture his rectum with a huge shit. Ha ha, very funny (but it's true...check the video). Let's move on.

Kenny Loggins and Steve Perry




This is the ultimate 80s power duo. When Quincy Jones, Michael Jackson, and Lionel "My daughter, Nicole, isn't a whore...okay, she is" Richie were assembling the singers for this classic song, do you think they said, "We need the Footloose and Journey guy." Of course they did! Loggins just wrapped up Highway to the Danger Zone from Top Gun, and Journey was...well...Journey. It wouldn't have been an 80s moment if these two weren't there. But now? Loggins is working on a song for the new Tigger movie. Yes, Tigger from Winnie the freakin' Pooh. As for Steve Perry...since singing two lines in WATW, he had hip replacement surgery. That's about it. So, in sum, Kenny Loggins and Steve Perry are now officially old men. The 80's suck.

Daryl Hall



Not to be outdone by the Loggins and Perry 80s power duo, here comes Daryl Hall. Mr. Hall was considered somewhat of an 80s sex symbol. Then again, anyone standing next to John Oates would be a sex symbol. It's kind of fitting that Oates was a member of the WATW ensemble, but only Hall got a solo. I bet that still eats Oates up inside. The bitterness must be palpable whenever they get together, which clearly isn't in front of crowds anymore. Although they did make a "humorous" appearance on the Daily Show recently, singing a tribute to Alan Colmes. Two has beens singing to an imminent has been; it's quite fitting.

Unfortunately, we have a confession to make. The editors of Please Do It Ms. Hewitt actually went to a Hall and Oates concert...in the 90s. Just like Daryl Hall's post WATW career, it wasn't memorable.


Huey Lewis



Huey Lewis sans "The News" is just wrong. It leaves you unfulfilled. It's like eating a peanut butter sandwich without the jelly. A club sandwich without the bacon. A rape sandwich without the Kobe Bryant (yes, that's a dated reference...but still a good one...deal with it). In other words, it just ain't right. And for this act of hubris, Mr. Lewis paid dearly. Where did his career go since this song? Nowhere, friends. It dropped faster than Lindsay Lohan's pants at an all you can eat "sushi" buffet. Sure, he had a platinum and gold album in the 5 years following the song, but what has he done lately? Okay, maybe he and "The News" teamed up once again to write the theme for the Seth Rogan classic Pineapple Express, but anything else? Yeah, told you so. In Huey's case, it seems as though the news have gone out of print.


Cyndi Lauper,



She sang probably the most memorable few lines in the song, in the process totally ruining a completely professional and well-sung classic with screeching and childish behavior. But that's why we loved Cindi. That and her freakish, yet somewhat attractive looks. And her completely flat chest. Check out the "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" video and you'll see. It's been burned in our memories. Since WATW, Ms. Lauper has had an interesting career. She was the musical director for The Goonies and worked so many 12 hour days that she developed gynecological problems (not kidding on this one). That's something you don't hear every day. Can you imagine if that happened all the time? Investment banks would smell like fish markets.

"Hey, Adams, can you stay overnight and complete that report for the big pitch tomorrow?"
"I'd love to boss, but my pussy won't let me."
"That's right, I remember the last time. It took 10 janitors to get that stench out!"

Gross. And her career hasn't been the same since.


Kim Carnes



"Bette Davis Eyes." Seriously, are we missing something? Why didn't they just invite every 1 hit wonder? Where are Tommy Tutone? Or Soft Cell? Or the chick who sang "Hey Mickey?" Can we all agree that WATW would have been even better if there was a wide-eyed 40-year-old cheerleader jumping around singing "Hey Ethiopians, you're so fine, you blow my mind, hey Ethy...hey Ethy!" Alright, maybe not. And that's why 1 hit wonders shouldn't be there. So who did Kim Carnes fuck to get a spot? Oh, that's right, the next guy.

Gary Coleman



A frequent contributor to Please Do It Ms. Hewitt, Gary Coleman played a key role in the making of "We are the World." He reportedly introduced Lionel Richie to Michael Jackson. It's true! He also came up with part of the title ("the" was his idea). He sang a solo too, but his "There are people dying...whatchu talkin' bout not lending a hand" was rejected at the last minute. Also, he fucked Kim Carnes and got her a spot on the roster. This is all true. Google it.

Ray Charles




Dead.

Bob Dylan




Since WATW, Dylan has had a tumultuous life. First he dated Brenda, then he dated Kelly, then he slept with Valerie, then Gina Kincaid, and then he finally fathered Kelly's child. What a few years it's been!


Conclusion

That about wraps it up for our little retrospective. Sure, there were others in attendance. Pretty much every member of the Jackson family except Janet (translation - all the ones without talent who definitely had an available Saturday to record this) were present. Yes, even Latoya. The aforementioned Aykroyd was there. Even Bette "Has there ever been a last name that better describes my ability as an actress/singer" Midler and the Pointer Sisters, best known for penning the lyrics to Jesse Spano's greatest song "I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...scared." (here). But the ones chronicled above are the soloists, and as we all know, if you don't have the mic, you don't get the pussy. Except if your Tommy Lee. Or Wilford Brimley.

Or Dan Aykroyd, of course.


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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