An Online Petition for Jennifer Love Hewitt

Scientists Prove that Watching The Bachelor Lowers Human and Monkey IQ

2009-01-19T21:51:00.009-05:00

Hollywood, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Scientists at Dartmouth University held a press conference today to announce the highly anticipated results of a 3 year research study examining the linkage between IQ loss in both humans and chimps and watching ABC's The Bachelor. The study, which was initially criticized by 30-year-old-single-women-with-3-cats' rights groups, was lauded by the scientific community for breaking new ground in the ongoing analysis of the brain numbing effects of prime-time reality-based love farces. The study conclusively proved, for the first time in the history of mankind, a direct link between IQ loss and repeated viewing of reality television, specifically ABC's dreadful The Bachelor. 14 monkeys and 10 adult males showed a dramatic drop in IQ totals after 3 months of watching 2 hours a week of ABC's pathetic The Bachelor. 6 control groups, comprised of a similar number of chimps and adult males, watched two hours a week of either Eight is Enough, The Family Guy, German Shit-Porn, ABC's brutal Grey's Anatomy, House, or Heroes, and showed no similar loss of mental capacity. Although Grey's Anatomy did cause uncontrollable diarrhea in the chimps (which they promptly flung at the adult males. Repeatedly).

The study started off rocky as the first group of 14 monkeys and 10 adult males descended into instant violence, killing each other and smearing blood all over the walls of the room. The scientists then realized that injecting the test subjects with cocaine prior to the study was not a good idea, and so they restarted the study without the hardcore drugs. It was a good choice as the next batch of test subjects refrained from killing each other. The scientists used the cocaine and had a massive sex party with the slightly overweight and homely student body.

For years the scientific community had postulated about the potential for IQ loss from watching shows like The Bachelor, but for many years the theory remained just that - a theory. Then one night, the "gang of 8" (the nickname given to the Dartmouth scientists by a rape accuser back in 1998) conceived of the chimp-male test...and 3 months later, history was made. Sources close to the scientists indicate that they are cautiously optimistic about the results of the study, and hope to repeat it with an all monkey test group, to really test out its validity.

No word yet from ABC about the study, but one executive was quoted as saying, "No shit."

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: The Bachelor, Fake News, Chimps, German Shit Porn

Now is the Time, Jennifer Love Hewitt

2009-01-13T06:58:00.007-05:00

Dear Ms. Hewitt,

First, let me clear something up. I'm not the stalker who has been restrained from seeing you. While it may seem that I am obsessed, mine is a healthy fixation. Okay, maybe the term "healthy fixation" is a bit of an oxymoron, but I think you know what I mean. No, you probably don't know what I mean, but I have a good lawyer and that's all I'm saying. Thankfully you were not hurt and I hope that nobody else every stalks you again. Healthy fixations from afar are good. That is all.

Second, let me express my condolences on your recent breakup with a certain Ross McCall. Nobody should ever feel the pangs of heartbreak, particularly when nuptials are so close at hand. Well, except for Jason Alexander. He's a real dick. Other than him, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Okay, maybe singer-songwriter Seal, as well. He's a grade A dick. Do you know that he actually killed one of my puppies? Not kidding. He was vacationing near where I live, and I was running on the beach with one of my new puppies and he just snatched it up and broke its neck. No remorse. He then threw it at me. What a pussy! I tried to prosecute but the cops were like, "It's Seal. What are you going to do?" I dropped the case and never received justice. I think the cops were afraid of him. Maybe he killed some of their puppies as well. But I digress. The point is...I am very sorry that you are no longer getting married. I would never wish this on you. However, sometimes the greatest disappointments yield the greatest opportunities. And now, my dear Ms. Hewitt, is your opportunity.

Pose for Playboy. Show Mr. McCall what he is missing. Show him what he will forever be denied. Show him the true essence of your soul, and by your soul, I mean your breasts. Reveal the meat puppets that have captivated the world for over a decade and you will be redeemed. I know that you worked out vigorously to get in shape for your wedding. Why waste that work? You should show Mr. McCall, and the world, just how amazing your renewed conditioning efforts have been. The ONLY way to do this is to reveal your boobs to the world in a display of toplessness so amazing, the sun may actually stop burning in reverence. Yes, Ms. Hewitt, your breasts have the ability to stop fusion. That is not just a power, it is a responsibility for action.

Think of the consequences of not posing. World hunger, terrorism, rampant puppy-murdering by Seal. It's a no-brainer. Now is the time, Ms. Hewitt. We're approaching the 3 year anniversary of my quixotic quest in the form of this website, and my call to action has never been more pressing or relevant. The world is a terrible and scary place, particularly for you right now, and you have but one option to create impact - pose for Playboy. I would like to open my browser tomorrow and see the headline "Jennifer Love Hewitt to Pose for Playboy." It would be a fine day, a proud day, and a monumental day in the history of humankind. And all because of you.

So I urge you, Ms. Hewitt, to make the right choice. Pose for Playboy, show your sweater puppies, and shine on you crazy diamond. Although just pray that Seal is not watching as he may attack your puppies. Heaven forbid that happening. Heaven forbid, indeed.

Thank you.

Best Regards,
A Concerned Fan

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Playboy, Pose For Playboy, Jennifer Love Hewitt Playboy, pussy

We are The World - Where Are They Now (Part II)

2009-01-01T16:15:00.025-05:00

It's time for part 2 of our tribute to"We are the World." Happy New Year! Here's to hoping you didn't Aykroyd all over yourself last night.

Dionne Warwick

What a weird life. Ms. Warwick is one of the most decorated female vocalists of all time, recording more Billboard Top 200 "rock" hits than anyone other than the Michelin Man (translation - Aretha Franklin). She was a freakin' United Nations ambassador. Hell, she even worked with the famed Burt Bacharach. Yet after "We are the World" she went on to host infomercials for the Psychic Friends Hotline for 8 years. Why the fuck would she do that? Seriously, that's like Warren Buffet deciding, "You know, I've been pretty successful at this whole investing thing, maybe I'll go star in a snuff film. That won't completely undermine the legacy I spent so much time and effort building." Yes, the Psychic Friends Holine has been compared to a snuff film. It's really not that different.

On a positive note, she is Whitney "Crack is Whack" Houston's cousin. Now THAT women has had a hell of a life since WATW.

Willie Nelson

We all know about the tax evasion. Too easy a joke. Don't worry, Nelson's whole life has been a joke, so there are plenty of incidents to discuss since "WATW" in 1986.

From Wikipedia: "Country musician Willie Nelson's cover of "Cowboys Are Frequently, Secretly Fond of Each Other" (iTunes single February 14, 2006) is the first gay-themed mainstream country song by a major artist.

Yup.

From Wikipedia: "In May 2008, Willie Nelson appeared in Amsterdam with rap icon Snoop Dogg where they did a live version of "SuperMan". Subsequently the two have become friends and recently released a video "My Medicine", which has received much play on YouTube."

Yup.

Al Jarreau

Who? Apparently this dude won 7 Grammys, and he's the only vocalist in history to win in three separate categories: jazz, pop, and R&B. Oh, a Grammy...we remember when those were relevant. Never. Rob Schneider has more fans than this guy. Hell, this website has more fans than this guy. But he has 7 Grammys (two since "WATW"), so let's all get down on our knees and shine his nuts.

Bruce Springsteen

Do we really need to go through this exercise? Yes, he's been successful. Yes, you've all heard of him. There's nothing funny about him except during the song he looked like he was about to rupture his rectum with a huge shit. Ha ha, very funny (but it's true...check the video). Let's move on.

Kenny Loggins and Steve Perry

This is the ultimate 80s power duo. When Quincy Jones, Michael Jackson, and Lionel "My daughter, Nicole, isn't a whore...okay, she is" Richie were assembling the singers for this classic song, do you think they said, "We need the Footloose and Journey guy." Of course they did! Loggins just wrapped up Highway to the Danger Zone from Top Gun, and Journey was...well...Journey. It wouldn't have been an 80s moment if these two weren't there. But now? Loggins is working on a song for the new Tigger movie. Yes, Tigger from Winnie the freakin' Pooh. As for Steve Perry...since singing two lines in WATW, he had hip replacement surgery. That's about it. So, in sum, Kenny Loggins and Steve Perry are now officially old men. The 80's suck.

Daryl Hall

Not to be outdone by the Loggins and Perry 80s power duo, here comes Daryl Hall. Mr. Hall was considered somewhat of an 80s sex symbol. Then again, anyone standing next to John Oates would be a sex symbol. It's kind of fitting that Oates was a member of the WATW ensemble, but only Hall got a solo. I bet that still eats Oates up inside. The bitterness must be palpable whenever they get together, which clearly isn't in front of crowds anymore. Although they did make a "humorous" appearance on the Daily Show recently, singing a tribute to Alan Colmes. Two has beens singing to an imminent has been; it's quite fitting.

Unfortunately, we have a confession to make. The editors of Please Do It Ms. Hewitt actually went to a Hall and Oates concert...in the 90s. Just like Daryl Hall's post WATW career, it wasn't memorable.

Huey Lewis

Huey Lewis sans "The News" is just wrong. It leaves you unfulfilled. It's like eating a peanut butter sandwich without the jelly. A club sandwich without the bacon. A rape sandwich without the Kobe Bryant (yes, that's a dated reference...but still a good one...deal with it). In other words, it just ain't right. And for this act of hubris, Mr. Lewis paid dearly. Where did his career go since this song? Nowhere, friends. It dropped faster than Lindsay Lohan's pants at an all you can eat "sushi" buffet. Sure, he had a platinum and gold album in the 5 years following the song, but what has he done lately? Okay, maybe he and "The News" teamed up once again to write the theme for the Seth Rogan classic Pineapple Express, but anything else? Yeah, told you so. In Huey's case, it seems as though the news have gone out of print.

Cyndi Lauper,

She sang probably the most memorable few lines in the song, in the process totally ruining a completely professional and well-sung classic with screeching and childish behavior. But that's why we loved Cindi. That and her freakish, yet somewhat attractive looks. And her completely flat chest. Check out the "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" video and you'll see. It's been burned in our memories. Since WATW, Ms. Lauper has had an interesting career. She was the musical director for The Goonies and worked so many 12 hour days that she developed gynecological problems (not kidding on this one). That's something you don't hear every day. Can you imagine if that happened all the time? Investment banks would smell like fish markets.

"Hey, Adams, can you stay overnight and complete that report for the big pitch tomorrow?"
"I'd love to boss, but my pussy won't let me."
"That's right, I remember the last time. It took 10 janitors to get that stench out!"

Gross. And her career hasn't been the same since.

Kim Carnes

"Bette Davis Eyes." Seriously, are we missing something? Why didn't they just invite every 1 hit wonder? Where are Tommy Tutone? Or Soft Cell? Or the chick who sang "Hey Mickey?" Can we all agree that WATW would have been even better if there was a wide-eyed 40-year-old cheerleader jumping around singing "Hey Ethiopians, you're so fine, you blow my mind, hey Ethy...hey Ethy!" Alright, maybe not. And that's why 1 hit wonders shouldn't be there. So who did Kim Carnes fuck to get a spot? Oh, that's right, the next guy.

Gary Coleman

A frequent contributor to Please Do It Ms. Hewitt, Gary Coleman played a key role in the making of "We are the World." He reportedly introduced Lionel Richie to Michael Jackson. It's true! He also came up with part of the title ("the" was his idea). He sang a solo too, but his "There are people dying...whatchu talkin' bout not lending a hand" was rejected at the last minute. Also, he fucked Kim Carnes and got her a spot on the roster. This is all true. Google it.

Ray Charles

Dead.

Bob Dylan

Since WATW, Dylan has had a tumultuous life. First he dated Brenda, then he dated Kelly, then he slept with Valerie, then Gina Kincaid, and then he finally fathered Kelly's child. What a few years it's been!

Conclusion

That about wraps it up for our little retrospective. Sure, there were others in attendance. Pretty much every member of the Jackson family except Janet (translation - all the ones without talent who definitely had an available Saturday to record this) were present. Yes, even Latoya. The aforementioned Aykroyd was there. Even Bette "Has there ever been a last name that better describes my ability as an actress/singer" Midler and the Pointer Sisters, best known for penning the lyrics to Jesse Spano's greatest song "I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...scared." (here). But the ones chronicled above are the soloists, and as we all know, if you don't have the mic, you don't get the pussy. Except if your Tommy Lee. Or Wilford Brimley.

Or Dan Aykroyd, of course.

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

We are The World - Where Are They Now?

2008-12-15T22:57:00.013-05:00

We here at Please Do It Ms. Hewitt love the song "We are the World." Okay, love is a strong word. Maybe we just like it. Alright, let's be clear - when we hear it we don't want to commit suicide, and...well..that's a plus. Right? Regardless of how one feels about the song, the immense star power that came together for that fateful evening of tuneful expression was something to behold. Springsteen, Charles, Lauper, Loggins, Turner, Joel, Wonder, and Aykroyd (Yes, Dan Aykroyd was there. Google it. Someone must have owed him money. A lot of money. Great sums of money. The song's producer killed a hooker and Aykroyd saw it. Google it.). It's been almost 25 years since the song debuted at the top of the charts and took the country, nay, the world, by storm. Many of the singers have gone on to greater successes. Many have seen their pan flash out. Others have died. And then there's Dan Aykroyd. Today, we honor the memory of those famed singers with a little segment that we like to call, "We are the World - Where are They Now." It's not that creative a title, but it's honest. And accurate. Even Dan Aykroyd an understand it, and that's saying a lot. Without further ado, here it is. Enjoy, and try not to Aykroyd all over yourself.

Lionel Richie

After this song, which Richie co-authored with Michael Jackson, Richie went on to release the landmark album "Dancing on the Ceiling," which unlike "We are the World," did result in many people dying from self-inflicted wounds. Oddly enough, it wasn't from people falling off of the aforementioned ceilings and cracking their necks. No, it was from listening to "Say You, Say Me" over and over and over and over again until a neighbor stopped by with a shotgun and...well...stopped the record from playing (so to speak). Richie also raised a beautiful daughter named Nicole who is not an embarrassment. Other than that, not much, other than that mustache. Today, he can be seen playing at local establishments in the Middle East. Seriously, people, this is not a joke. Look it up. Life is fucked up.

Stevie Wonder

"Blind as a fucking bat, but damn could this motherfucker play music." That's what Stevie Wonder's gravestone says. You didn't know he's dead? He is. A bi-racial couple got angry that he wrote Jungle Fever and shot him. That's why you haven't seen a good new album from him in years. A doppelganger replaced him. Ever wonder why Stevie got so fat and his music started to suck? Now you know.

Paul Simon

Paul Simon wrote The Capeman. Let's all observe a moment of silence and pretend that never happened.

Kenny Rogers

Never before has an "o-face" in the middle of a song meant so much (50 seconds in...KR creams his jeans during his intro). The man cooks up a mean drumstick, but he also prematurely ejaculates to stop world hunger. That, friends, is a true American Patriot. Do not begrudge him, even if he does have a douche-y beard.

Some Light-Skinned Black Guy

Does anyone know who this guy is? Seriously, does anyone know who he is? Did they just find him off the street and ask him to sing a few bars? Do any of you care what happened to him? Good, then we're moving on.

Tina Turner

Tina Turner is an American icon. She's pushing 100, and yet she doesn't look a day over 90. Just look at those perky breasts. They're so perky that they wake up in the morning before her and say, "Hey, Tina, wake up!" Now that's perky! Life after We are the World was a blur for Ms. Turner. She fell out of the public's good graces, had a comeback, fell out, came back, fell out, and came back again. It all culminated with her landmark album, "I'm Tina Turner, Bitch." She's now dating Samantha Ronson and spends her time avoiding paparazzi like an Ike Turner left hook. Rimshot, please.

Billy Joel

We hear the man likes cars. Too bad they don't like him. At least not when he's on the road. Quite an eventful life since 1985. Eventful...indeed.

Michael Jackson

Pass.

Wilford Brimley

While not a technical participant in the song, or a credited member of the writing, producing, directing, or editing team, Mr. Brimley was largely considered to be the visionary force behind the juggernaut that became USA for Africa. Brimley allegedly penned the original draft of the song, calling it "We are the God damn World." The version was deemed inappropriate as he repeatedly called on the Ethiopians to check their blood sugar and check it often, even though the risk of getting "the diabetes" in a famine-stricken area is quite remote. Also, the Brimley-penned version had frequent and quite unnecessary profanities, including a particularly virulent section about Mexican immigrants "doing his wife in the Wilford hole." While Brimley's draft version of the now cult-classic song was rejected, his concept was thoroughly embraced, and Jackson and Richie re-wrote the song to make it what it is today. The emotional scars of being rejected still haunt Brimley to this day as he denies any involvement in the effort. All members of the USA for Africa group also continue to deny Brimley's involvement, showing just how deep the scars truly run.

Diana Ross

After "We are the World," Ross had a lot of success in England. Yay!!!!

That is all for today. We hope you're more informed than you were an hour ago. Tune in tomorrow for more We are the World - Where Are They Now?

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Kenny Rogers, Lionel Richie, Stevie Wonder, Paul Simon, Kenny Rogers, Wilford Brimley, Tina Turner, Michael Jackson, Billy Joel

Beverly D'Angelo to Endorse Barack Obama

2008-10-31T09:29:00.005-04:00

I, Beverly D'Angelo, star of the stage and screen, officially endorse Barack Obama for President of the United States of America. You may know me as Clark's wife from the National Lampoon movies. Others may know me from my role in the hippi classic Hair. Still, others may know me as someone who has received the stigmata (both me and Sarah Palin!). Most of you, though, know me because I have been tirelessly knocking on doors, making phone calls, sleeping with citizens, and stabbing the opposition in my singular quest to get Barack Obama elected as President of the United States of America.

I'm not even a Democrat. To be honest, I don't even know who Barack Obama is. But I know he's running for President and that gives me an excuse to whore myself around town, which is fine by me. Those phone calls and door knockings? It's not to endorse Mr. Obama - it's to offer up my body for sex. I just use the "Obama thing" as an excuse to get people to open their doors. Then I strip down to nothing but my Obama pin (don't ask what it's pinned to!) and then let them poll my electorate.

I'm not a slut, I just need sex in a pathological manner, particularly during a Presidential election when I'm feeling particularly needy. You know what else makes me feel needy? Grey's Anatomy. I really dislike that show because it makes me feel so emotionally fragile and angry, and that always leads to unprotected sex with strangers. You can put that in the next ABC advertisement - "Grey's Anatomy, it'll make you fuck people and regret it. Thursdays at 9." Would you watch a show with that type of promo? Let me know if you would, because I'll come knock on your door and "stump" for Obama (as long as I can then see your stump).

It's only a few more days to the election, so I better be on my way now. After all, I only have a few more opportunities to sell my body for sex and get away with it. I mean, after the election, that will just be wrong. Right? Yeah, then I'd be a slut. But now, it's okay. Yeah, that's what I tell myself when I cry for hours at night and rock back and forth with my hands around my legs.

Barack in '08,
Beverly

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Beverly D'Angelo, Grey's Anatomy, Sarah Palin, Stigmata, Barack Obama

Paula Abdul to Endorse Walter Mondale

2008-10-24T06:44:00.005-04:00

Hi Everyone!!!

I, Paula Abdul, officially endorse Walter Mondale for President of the United States of America. Yay!!! What? Wait. Oh yeah, I got it. Walter Mondale is my choice. He's the man to...wait. What? Ok. Yeah. I'm going to vote for Walter Mondale on election day in December. He's the man to help America through this...what's the word I'm looking for...I don't know. He's righteous. He's cool. And he's...what? Oh. He's not running? Oh. But I thought there was an old white guy running. Hmmm...that may change things.

Nah, it doesn't change things. I'm still voting for Mr. Mondale because he's dreamy. Speaking of dreamy, I saw Grey's Anatomy last night and that McDreamy is so McSteamy! Wait. No, that McDreamy is McDreamy. Yeah. I'd let him give me an enema. I don't mean that in a sexual way! I just need an enema right now. And he's a doctor, so I'd let him do it. I won't go into the details for why I need an enema, but let's just say that I've been eating a lot of cheese. Take that Simon! Yeah. What? Oh. Um. Okay, I lost my train of thought. I know what you're thinking, it's amazing that I even had a train of thought to lose, but...lost it again.

So in conclusion, on election day in December, I plan to cast my vote for Walter "the Mon" Mondale as he's the white man to save our country. I don't mean that as a racist thing. I love you Randy Jackson! It just happens to be that my candidate is white so I'm stating a fact. Yay, facts!! I've never used those things before. They can be cool. Cool like Mondale? You betcha! Ha ha, I just made a political joke because I made fun of...what am I talking about? Yeah. I love Grey's Anatomy.

See you soon, America.

Love and Vicodin,
Paula Abdul

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Paula Abdul, Grey's Anatomy, McDreamy, Walter Mondale

Sean Astin to Endorse Barack Obama

2008-10-21T06:46:00.005-04:00

Fans and Friends,

I, Sean Astin, officially endorse Barack Obama for President of the United States of America. Wheh, I finally said it! I was having anal sex with a prostitute on Saturday, and I explained to her my position on each of the candidates, but I didn't think I had the fortitude to explain myself to the American people. It's one thing to reveal your innermost political secrets while riding bareback with a whore, and it's a totally different thing to share your thoughts to the people of this world, while sitting alone (but naked) in a cold motel room in Akron, Ohio. Why am I in Akron? No, I'm not stumping for Senator Obama. I've just heard that the prostitutes are hot and heavy here. Well, mostly heavy (it is Ohio), but so am I, so that's okay!

Do I honestly think my endorsement matters? Yes! Look at my impressive resume. I've represented all walks of life and members of society. I spoke on behalf of the weak and picked upon when I played Mikey Walsh in The Goonies. I spoke on behalf of the weak and picked upon when I played Rudy in Rudy. I spoke on behalf of the weak and picked upon hobbits when I played Sam in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. So you see, I represented all walks of life and have the authority to speak out on behalf of one of the candidates. Besides, I think McCain is old and scary and I'm sure he'd tell my wife if he caught me having anal sex with a prostitute named Louise. Not that I know one named that. Just sayin', you know? Yeah, you know.

So go out and vote! Vote smart, vote sensible, vote Astin! Um...I mean Vote Obama.

Rudy!
Sean Astin

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Sean Astin, John McCain, Rudy, Barack Obama

Brad Garrett to Endorse Barack Obama

2008-10-19T23:24:00.005-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen of America,

I, Brad Garrett, officially endorse Barack Obama for President of the United States of America. For months and months, I ignored the campaign. I don't follow the news much as I spend all my time reading reviews of my horrific television series. It takes an awful lot of time to find a good one, so that pretty much takes up most of my free time. That and eating. Because I have gigantism. But I was broken out of my review-hunting-obsessive-eating cycle by some stunning news today. If you haven't heard yet, Lindsay Lohan officially endorsed Barack Obama for President. Sorry, I mean Colin Powell endorsed Senator Obama. Same thing.

This news was momentous for several reasons, although I can only think of one. And that one escapes my mind right now. But the point is, I like food and so does Colin Powell (he's getting a bit chubby, don't you think?), and he endorsed Obama. Therefore, I will throw my gigantism-fueled weight behind the junior Senator from Ill-annoys. You all should too.

After hearing about this endorsement, I went and read about Mr. Obama's proposals. Did you know he believes in tax cuts for the middle-class? I hadn't heard that. I'm not in the middle class anymore, but I used to be, so therefore...I lost my train of thought. My wife is cooking a pot roast and I'm thinking about that. Sorry. Where was I? Oh yeah, vote Obama. I will because my show is going to get canceled soon and then I'll be in the middle class again.

I don't have much else to add, but hopefully my thoughts helped sway a swing voter or two. Good luck and roast beef.

Food,
Brad Garrett

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Brad Garrett, Lindsay Lohan, Colin Powell, Barack Obama

Lindsay Lohan to Play Self In Upcoming Futuristic Autobiography

2008-04-11T11:01:00.004-04:00

Hollywood, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Source: Here

Lindsay Lohan is set to play a “nymphomaniac waitress” in the upcoming autobiographical movie Florence. The movie takes place 10 years in the future when Lohan has been run out of Hollywood and is now scrounging for tips at a seedy diner in West Compton. Lohan has co-authored the script, which has been called "an uncanny representation of what she will eventually become." One source close to the film called her depiction of a nymphomaniac waitress as "straight from the heart" and "more authentic than a Paris Hilton STD."

Rumors around the set indicate that Lohan will perform an explicit sex scene with full frontal nudity. Producers originally asked her to do a topless scene, but she reportedly countered with a "full frontal" offer. According to one source, Lohan kept upping the ante. "First she said she'd go topless, then she offered to fully strip down, then she offered to spread her ass cheeks. At one point she even offered to whip out her wang, but the producers called her bluff. They reminded her that she's a woman and doesn't have a wang."

Lohan reportedly wants to show that she's still "got it" as both an actress and a naked slut. No word yet from the Hilton or Kardashian camps on this new challenge to their "slut authority." The former bulimic teen queen's salary has not been disclosed, but sources close to the set indicate that she's being paid in methadone as mandated by a court order.

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Teen Queen, Lohan Naked, Florence

Hey American Airlines, Why Did You Cancel My Flight?

2008-04-10T11:22:00.005-04:00

Howdy American Airlines,

I don't respect you much. Why did you get all crazy and cancel my flight yesterday? Can't you see how hot I am? Look at me all sexed up in my purple outfit. I'm so hot that I have to have a mirror reflection of myself so you can see my hotness twice. And yet you cancel my flight? That don't make a heckuva lotta sense. I'm too hot to be grounded. I should be flying high like the beautiful Canadian that I am. Canadians love to fly. Heck we invented flying back in the 1970s. Aw shucks, I'm just kidding, but I'm really quite serious about being grounded. It peeves me. Peeves peeves peeves peeves me that you'd ground me, Shania Twain.

Others have a right to be grounded, but others don't have a sexy purple outfit either. No response to that one, right? Right. Then it's settled, you'll reschedule my flight ASAP so I can get to the important places that I need to be. For example, I'm opening a mall in Tulsa. Yeah, my career is HOT right now! Hot like my purple ass. A purple ass that should always be flying high in the friendly skies. I know that ain't your slogan, but it should be. Cuz when you've got a hot patootie like me on your plane, your skies are much friendlier. By the way, I give great head.

Love,
Shania Twain

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Shania Twain, American Airlines, Patootie

Pam Anderson Single Again; Rick Moranis Wants To Hit That

2008-03-24T22:10:00.010-04:00

Hot damn!

Pam, call me! What are you waiting for???? You're single and you need me to hump your ass. You know it, baby. Call me now!

Alright, I'm sorry for that outburst. I'm crying for you. Bawling. Seriously, I'm absolutely sobbing. Oh, shit. Hold on, I'll be right back.

Sorry about that, I just had to switch computers. I was crying soooo hard and my tears ended up shorting out my laptop. It's broken now, so I'm using my daughter's laptop. She doesn't know because she's out with her boyfriend. I think they're doing things that you and I should be doing. Naaaaaasty things. Wait, that's disgusting. I don't want to think about my daughter that way. Oh, shit. Hold on, I'll be right back.

Sorry about that. Now I'm on my wife's computer, as I got really sick when I thought about my daughter doing freaky ass stuff and ended up throwing up on her computer and ruining it. It's too bad because that computer and I had been through a lot together. Seriously. I bought it at Best Buy and cuddled all night with it before giving it to my daughter for her birthday. For me, that's a really significant emotional connection. Based on your track record, that appears to be a big emotional commitment for you as well! That's why you and I should get together. We are soooooo alike. And I like ass play.

Sorry about that. Actually, I'm not sorry. I, Rick Moranis, love ass play and I'm proud to admit it. I used to be in APA (Ass Play Anonymous) but now I'm "out of the cave" and in the open. That's why you and I should get together. That, and I don't care about getting Hepatitis C. Not a lot of guys out there that can say that. Combine that with my love of ass play and you've found your true love.

Look, it doesn't matter if I'm married or whatever. I'd totally drop my wife for you. Like a bad habit! Like a hot pan! Like a chicken egg! I know that one doesn't make sense, but that's why I said it. I'm just trying to be a different force in your life. Something you've never seen or felt before. Just give me and my ass play loving self a shot and I'll surprise you. Trust me, you'll love it.

So.....I'll be waiting for your call. Call me soon, baby, and we can hook up. Love you!

Love,
Rick Moranis

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Rick Moranis, Pam Anderson, Hepatitis

McConaughey and Hudson to Release New Movie Called: This One Sucks Too

2008-02-28T08:21:00.007-05:00

Hollywood, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

After the amazing How to Lose a Guy In 10 Days, which can be seen every other day on TBS, Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey decided to do another film. The result? Fool's Gold. A critically acclaimed masterpiece that has so far seen tremendous box office success rivaling the greats like Titanic, Star Wars and White Girls. As they say in the business "success breeds success" (and Britney Spears just breeds), so Hudson and McConaughey have decided to team up once again for a new movie called This One Sucks Too about life, love, and everything in between (including lots and lots of full frontal nudity).

Audiences across the globe are anticipating this eventual best picture winner at an unprecedented level. An unnamed source within MGM said, "We haven't been this excited about a movie since the Seth Green sex tape leaked."

Another anonymous source within MGM was quoted as saying "Asian markets are going to be great. Them Chinese folks love that Hudson girl. Nice, radiant white skin. They like that stuff." In addition to the predicted Best Picture win, critics are already anticipating victories at the Sundance, Telluride, and Toronto Film Festivals. Roger Ebert, respected film critic and soft-core pornography connoisseur, has reportedly already put his thumb "way up in the air." A source close to the formerly obese but now svelte critic indicates that he's "gettin' his shit all worked up for this movie. Even though he playa hated on the first two movies, he's all psyched up for the third installment as it's common knowledge that trilogies always work."

No word yet from the Hudson or McConaughey camps, although paparazzi have spotted the two having full-on sex lots of times. Lots and lots. This doesn't necessarily indicate that the new movie will be released soon, but it sure doesn't hurt either.

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Matthew McConaughey, Kate Hudson, Fool's Gold, How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, Britney Spears, Roger Ebert

Sam Lutfi Accepts Your Criticism

2008-02-06T16:01:00.000-05:00

Hello Fans and Friends,

Many of you may be dismayed by the reports that I drugged Britney Spears. To be honest, I was dismayed too. I was busy drugging Brad Garrett so he'd stay away from Britney's food, so I had no time to officially comment on the matter. But believe me, I'm outraged by the accusation, even though it's true, and I fully accept the criticism, even though I admit nothing. In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with a little bit of drugging, not that I'd ever condone it, even though I think it's the right thing to do. Have you seen Britney when she's not on drugs? It ain't pretty. A doped up Britney is safer for all of us. Did I profit by her being all drugged out? Sure, but haven't we all profited from drugging someone and then taking advantage of him/her? Of course we have.

As I said, I officially accept your criticism for my actions and take full responsibility for all of my actions, even though I don't think they were wrong and I despise you for insinuating that I had anything to do with this. The truth is that you're all jealous that I got to see Britney's vagina and you didn't. Nobody in the world, with the exception of K-Fed, JT, and me have seen Britney naked. Nobody. And that's why you're all criticizing me. You want to see her naked. Well, it's never going to happen. As long as I'm in control, she'll never show her hoo-hoo to the world. Never! Granted, she won't be conscious enough to leave the house on her own, and if she does it will be to attend psychological therapy classes, but that's beside the point. My point is that you should all stop criticizing me because I've done nothing wrong. In fact, I don't even know what you're talking about. I never drugged Britney. But if I did, I accept your criticism and deny it wholeheartedly. Does that make sense? Good.

My lawyer just advised me that I should stop typing or else I'm going to end up in jail for the rest of my life, so I better wrap this up. Please, if you have any more comments or criticisms, please feel to send them to me along with 50 dollars in cash. That would be great.

Best,
Sam Lutfi

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Britney Spears, Sam Lutfi, Brad Garrett

Meet the Spartans Gives Hope to Screenwriters Everywhere

2008-01-31T09:56:00.000-05:00

Did you see that new movie out? That Meet the Spartans movie? Thank goodness it was made, because it gives hope to all aspiring screenwriters (like me!). If absolute crap like that can be made, then my wonderful screenplay (called Love in the Time of Hedge Funds, a romantic comedy about a Hedge Fund manager who falls in love with a venture capitalist and they live happily ever after earning a 19% return on invested capital) can be made into a movie! Seriously, if they greenlighted that shlock, then I definitely have a chance. Even my other screenplay - a touching biopic about the rise and fall of Lionel Richie, set against the backdrop of the CIA incursions into Central America - has hope.

I've always wanted to be a screenwriter. Ever since I learned that I was Jewish, I wanted to go to Hollywood and write scripts. I mean, I must have the talent, right? I mean, look at me! I have to be a screenwriter. As sure as David married Bathsheba, I'm going to be Hollywood bound. At least, I will be now that Meet the Spartans was made into a movie. I'll just bring that script to an agent and be like, "Look...this was made into a movie. Now read about Lionel Richie and cry tears of money!" I mean, any movie that has Carmen Electra with a prominent speaking role should be taken with a grain of salt. Or in this case, the whole damn container of salt. But that's a good thing because I think she'll make a great Hedge Fund manager in my screenplay. Doesn't that sound perfect? I'm Jewish, trust me about the funny stuff. It's in my blood.

I have to go now. My waitress is bringing my order (3 bottles of Ensure and some rye toast), and then I have a meeting with my agent. I think it's going to go well. Thank you Meet the Spartans for giving me hope and confidence!

Best,
Ira Lishawitz

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Carmen Electra, Meet the Spartans, Lionel Richie, Jewish

Lindsay Lohan Weighs In On The Presidential Election

2008-01-21T14:47:00.000-05:00

Dear People of the United something of...uh...you know,

I am not going to vote in this election. Ha ha! Fooled ya. All of you probably thought I'd be voting, right? You all thought I'd be the first person on line on election day to vote for the bestest candidate for the head President position in America, didn't you? Yeah, you did. That's cuz you're all stupiddddddd!!! No, I'm not drunk right now. Okay, maybe a little, but that's okay because I'm in a new type of rehab program. You know, where you're allowed to get drunk as long as you don't drink any more. Make sense. Great!

But even though I'm not voting (Ed Note: there's a new federal law that prevents people who show their nipple online from voting in an election. Google it. Sorry, Ashley Tisdale.), I still have a thought or two on who should be our head President. Okay, maybe just one thought. C'mon, did you ever think I'd have more than one thought at a time! Ha ha ha ha ha...you are all suckers!!! Anywhoooooo, I'm going to tell you who should be the head President, and you all should listen. Elect this person in November or December or whenever the election is and I'll be a happy person. And the country will be a better place. Mainly the former.

Basically, you should elect Tom Brady as our next head President. He's so cute! And I feel bad that he has such a small penis. How do I know? Let's just say that a certain supermodel from Brazil told me! And I had sex with him after the football game last night. My firecrotch was back in action!!! Yuppers. With the grandmaster of New England football himself, Mr. Thomas Brady. It wasn't that good because he kept calling out his own name and kept calling me Eli. That was weird. But I blacked out for most of it, so I guess it couldn't have been that bad! Anyways, he should definitely be head President of the United Americas. If not him, then perhaps Ron Paul because I agree with his tax reform and Iraq war policies. Nah...just vote for Tommy Brady. He's my candidate 4-ever!!! I hope he wins that Super Bowl thing, even though Boston fans are completely insufferable and self-absorbed and need a good ass-kicking. Either way, I'm sure I'll fuck the winner. Or the loser. Everyone's a winner!

Tom Brady and his small penis for head President! Go out and vote today. Do it a lot. Just like TRL. Whippee!!!!

Love and Vodka,
Lindsay Lohan

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Lindsay Lohan, Presidential Election, Ashley Tisdale, Firecrotch

A Message From Jamie Lynn Spears to Britney Spears: I'm More White Trash Than You!

2007-12-19T11:02:00.000-05:00

Hey Sis,

Guess what...I'm preggars! That's right, Britney, as a 16-year-old pregnant with my boyfriend's child, I officially become the White Trash champion of the family. Woooo hooo!!! Praise the Lord and pass the chicken wings! You kept stealin' all the family attention with your pregnancies and trashy behavior. Well that didn't sit right with me, sis. You can bet your fried grits it didn't. But now I take the family crown with my teenage unwed pregnancy. There ain't no beatin' this one.

You'd think with a hit show like Zoey 101, I wouldn't need to go and get myself preggars. But when do White Trash ever do anythin' that made sense? Exactly! That's why and I had to go and get myself knocked up. It was the only way I could show the world that I had true White Trash bonafides. I am the White Trash champion! I mean, what can be more White Trash than getting knocked up at 16? Nothin'. That's why I declare myself champion of the family.

See you at my shotgun wedding. Remember, Brit, no drinking. Ha ha...just kiddin'! That wouldn't be very White Trash of me to say that, now would it! Drink all you want. I know I will!

Love,
Jamie Lynn Spears

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnant, Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney Spears, White Trash, Zoey 101

A Message From Pamela Anderson's Liver

2007-12-18T09:03:00.000-05:00

Dear Pamela,

Can you stop with all this marriage and divorce madness? First you're with Tommy Lee, then you're not. Then you are again. Then you're not. Then you give me Hepatitis C. Then you're with Kid Rock. Then you're not. Then you're with the guy who boned Paris Hilton. Then you're not. Then you are again. Would you pick a guy and stick with him? Jesus H. Christ!!! No, I don't mean you should marry him. I was just uttering an exclamation of frustration.

Sorry for being so angry, but I'm getting so tired of you starting out anew with each man. You see, each time you divorce...you celebrate. Each time you marry again...you celebrate. And that hurts me. For Christ's sake, I have Hepatitis C!! Any alcohol hurts me. Badly. And each of those guys has a long-ass dong, and that ends up poking into me when he bangs you. I finally get acclimated, and boom, you're finished. Would you just pick one man and stick with him!

C'mon, I don't want to beg you here, but I'm dying. Literally. We livers are not very proud organs and will beg for certain things from time to time. And this time I'm begging you to "ride it out" with that Rick guy. Just make it through the end of the year, okay? My life is going to be tough enough with all the holiday drinking. Don't make it worse by celebrating a new divorce.

Although if you do divorce him, I hear that Elijah Wood is available.

I hear he's got a small wang, so that's good. Look him up!

With Love,
Your Liver

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Pamela Anderson, Rick Soloman, Tommy Lee, Kid Rock, Paris Hilton

Wilford Brimley Speaks Out in Support of Jennifer Love Hewitt

2007-12-05T10:44:00.000-05:00

Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt,

It's about God damn time that you spoke up and defended yourself from all of those crazy folks on the God damn Internets. You have every God damn right to look as you please and shame on all those folks who were makin' all those accusations about you. Hell, I'm a fan of a healthy lookin' woman. My wife can throw back an entire bag of brown sugar in one sitting, and I think that's sexy. It's gets my lil' Wilford all aggressive and what not. That's when the sex begins. So, I think it's great that you put on a few extra pounds recently. You sure as hell don't look bad, although not as good as my wife. Good thing too, or else you'd have ole Wilford knockin' on your God damn door demanding some lovin'. And I don't take no for answer (nor do I need to cuz I'm so God damn desirable).

The only reason that I'm writing to you is to warn you about The Diabetes. You still are thin by most standards. Hell, my left thigh weighs more than you. But if you keep moving up in size, you may end up getting The Diabetes. That would be a God damn terrible thing to happen as The Diabetes is a dangerous disease. Killed my grandpappy back in 19 aught 6. That's why you should start checking your blood sugar. Check it often. And the next time you reach for a Milky Way, replace it with a healthy bowl of Quaker Oats oatmeal. That's what I do and I'm as healthy as a God damn mule. Sure, I don't got no chiseled body. But I got a heart stronger than Kim Kardashian's God damn butt muscle, and I ain't afraid to brag about it.

Aside from checking your blood sugar, and checking it often, I don't think you need to do a God damn thing. Just ignore those God damn "web surfers" who think it's fun to make fun of someone else's physical condition. Or if you want, tell me who they are and I'll give em' some schoolin' in the ole Wilford hole. I ain't afraid of a God damn "web surfer." I once got angry at a web page that made fun of me, and the web page cried. Right on my God damn computer. So don't worry about me. Just tell me who they are and I'll get 'em good. I already took care of that God damn Concerned Fan for his God damn awful post yesterday. I'll learn him some manners soon enough.

That's about all I have to say about that. Keep eating, keep wearing those bikinis, and for all of our God damn sakes, please star in another one of those "I Know What You Did" movies. My God damn wife and I enjoy popping those movies into our VCR and curling up in front of the fire with a bowl or two of Müeslix. It's a hell of a way to spend an evening.

Pissed Off,
Wilford Brimley

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Wilford Brimley, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Diabetes, Playboy, Kim Kardashian

Jennifer Love Hewitt, What Have You Done To Yourself?????

2007-11-28T11:38:00.000-05:00

Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt,

I am a man who has reached a crossroad in his life. We're coming up on the 2 year anniversary of this website, and it seems that my noble quest is starting to lose its luster. For two years you have ignored my urgent, pleading, but always respectful call for you to shed your clothing and pose for that beloved magazine, Playboy. Now? I'm not so sure that's a worthy cause anymore.

Look at yourself!! I said look at yourself!!

You've let yourself go, woman! You are a shell of your former self. A much bigger shell to be exact. This is so disappointing to me because I had such high hopes for you and your breasts. Now I'm on the verge of shutting down this site and entering a treatment facility for clinical depression. Does that sound obsessive and borderline creepy? Maybe. But we're not here to talk about my faults. Today, you and your cellulite-infused rump, are the target of my discussion.

Normally, I'm not a man concerned with such superficial matters as looks. If someone wants to gain weight, so be it. Who am I to judge what constitutes the "perfect body?" Who am I to judge how someone views her own self image? Who am I to judge whether a D cup is better than a C cup if the new size causes massive droopage? I have no right...except in this instance. You, Jennifer Love Hewitt, are duty bound to remain in shape. Your breasts serve as the moral compass for our great society, and any actions you take that may impact their attractiveness must be scrutinized, and if necessary castigated. And that's what I'm doing here. It's no surprise that the economy is struggling, the Iraq war is worsening, and Britney Spears is becoming part of the Manson Clan. It's all due to the degradation of your boobs.

Frankly, I'm sick to my stomach. My once proud cause is now the laughing stock of the internet. I am currently the #3 site in Google for "Jennifer Love Hewitt pussy" and the number 1 non-YouTube site for "Jennifer Love Hewitt vagina." I'm also number 1 for Bea Arthur's Vagina, but that's beside the point. The point is, my traffic will now go down because people will no longer be searching for your pussy. Maybe your fiance will search for it when he is seeking some weekly "maritals," but that's about it. And that makes me remorseful. But, such is life.

So in conclusion, I urge you, Jennifer Love Hewitt, to make the right choice. Lose a few and then pose for Playboy. You may not gain any self-esteem, but you will be leading our country back to the promised land. And you'll be making your number 1 creepy internet fan happy. Really, is there anything else important in life?

Best Regards,
Concerned Fan

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Playboy, Pose For Playboy, Jennifer Love Hewitt Playboy, pussy, Bea Arthur's Vagina, Britney Spears

We'll Be Back In A Jiffy

2007-11-22T08:37:00.000-05:00

Loyal Readers,

If you check here daily for updates, fret not, we will be back. Lots of stuff going on here that prevented posting the last two weeks. But we'll be back with a vengeance today, tomorrow, or Saturday. Keep coming back!

Happy gorging, except to you Canadians, who had their "Thanksgiving" in October. Dumbasses.

-Concerned Fan

Sleeping In Separate Beds Shouldn't Concern You, Katie

2007-11-07T10:15:00.001-05:00

Dear Katie,

Katie, sweet, Katie. You are my loving and caring and freakishly-tall-compared-to-me-then-again-most-people-are wife. Don't be concerned that we're sleeping in separate beds. Don't be angry. Most of all, don't be jealous. Sleeping in separate beds does not mean our "honest" and "heartfelt" marriage is in trouble. I'm not tiring of you and certainly don't want to cheat on you with other women. Far from it. Sleeping in separate beds really shouldn't be that surprising to you. I mean, isn't that what you'd expect from someone who's gay?

It's not that I don't love you. I do!! Remember Oprah? It's just I love you in that totally platonic kind of way where I get violent bouts of indigestion, nausea, and gingivitis when I see you naked. From what I hear, that's not much different than how Portia de Rossi feels every day, and she's in a healthy monogamous relationship. Okay, bad example. But it's certainly how Kevin Federline felt in his relationship with Britney...okay, another bad example. But I think you get my point, which is that I love you and want to stay married, but I can't sleep in the same bed as you because female genitalia gives me hives.

Please ignore the gossip magazines and just listen to me when I tell you that you mean the world to me. Although I'm a nihilist so interpret that as you will. I don't want to break-up our marriage for another woman. I just want you and your...um...delightful female parts. Yum! Okay, I have to go throw up into my new Prada bag now. See you later tonight at our dinner with Corey Feldman. Isn't he so funny? I love his work. So rich.

Love,
Tom "Your Baby's Daddy via a Sperm Bank" Cruise

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Tom Cruise, K-Fed, Katie Holmes, Portia de Rossi, Oprah, Britney Spears, Gay

Kim Kardashian to Write Children's Book

2007-10-26T11:19:00.000-04:00

(Ed. Note: We would much prefer Jennifer Love Hewitt posing for Playboy, but we'll have to settle for this has been and never will be instead. Good to see Playboy isn't lowering their standards...

Dear America,

I know you're all looking forward to seeing my Playboy pictures. I'm excited for you to see them because it will keep me relevant. I'm an important person who needs to be talked about on a regular basis and the only way I can do that is by releasing...er...having someone release my homemade sex tape or posing in Playboy. I'm like that old 1010 WINS commercial - "Give me 20 minutes and I'll show you a nipple." Well, I think I've figured out a new way to bring my talents to the world that doesn't involve an areola. I'm going to write a Children's Book!

Aren't you so excited to read it???? It's going to have words and pictures and other things that go in books, like, I guess carrots and candy and what not. I don't know, I'm not a book expert. But I'm not an expert in anything else either, and yet I'm still super famous! Okay, maybe I'm an expert in nakedness, but that's not really a talent. It's two talents. Ha ha...get it? Three talents if you count my bulbous rump. I like my big butt - it gives me cushion when I'm driving on long road trips to see STD specialists about strange rashes that I get. Yay!

You're probably wondering how I'm going to write this book as I'm barely literate as is. Here's my plan: I'm going to hire some nice and smart Jewish guy who is going to write it and then I'll film myself having sex with him and threaten to release the video to the public which will make him sign over the rights to the book and it will be like I wrote it! Isn't that awesome?? I think so. Fake Daddy Bruce Jenner came up with the idea because he's smart about things like faking success.

I don't really have too many ideas about the book. Maybe it will be about a sex tape. Or my boobs. Or...the fall of the apartheid regime in South Africa. Those all sound like great ideas for a children's book. I can't wait until I release this book and you all see how smart I am! Not smart for what I write, but smart for having thought of the idea to think about something to think about doing for the chidren. Right? Right! So, keep looking at your local Barnes & Noble and you'll see my book soon enough. Buy it! Then look at me naked. Everyone wins.

Love,
Kim Kardashian

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Kim Kardashian, Playboy, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Children's Book

David Ortiz Linked to Steroid Investigation

2007-10-25T11:27:00.002-04:00

Boston, MA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

David Ortiz, star slugger for the World Series contending Boston Red Sox, was recently linked to the ongoing steroid investigation by Major League Baseball. "Big Papi" as he is known to his bookie and legions of fans and hookers, had often hinted at his own steroid use, but evidence had always been lacking. Recent sperm tests by Bud Selig have confirmed that the previously hyper-fertile Ortiz has actually become completely infertile. Additional genital-sizing tests conducted by Erin Andrews have proven that the slugger's testicles - once reknowned for their impressive girth, weight, and command of the English language - have shrunken to the size of small raisins. Ortiz has vehemently denied the veracity of this new report, releasing a statement that said, "nobody has done nothing to none of my body."

Sources close to Major League Baseball indicate that Ortiz had long been a focus of their investigation due to his close association with Red Sox Nation, the most hated fan base in all of professional sports. However, the investigation had not progressed for many years as Bud Selig had lacked a quality sperm sample to test for infertility. The mighty slugger had been sly, depositing his sperm on his preferred prostitutes' backs instead of inside them, which is where Selig typically looks. The key break came when Red Sox third baseman Mike Lowell suddenly showed up at Selig's office with a sperm sample from Ortiz in his hand. At that point the investigation kicked into full gear.

Repeated calls to the Red Sox organization have been ignored, but sources indicate that the team does not expect to be distracted during the World Series as they are too self-absorbed and self-centered to be bothered by a scandal like this. However, no word yet on whether the investigation will affect manager Terry Francona's decision to play or bench the mammoth DH during the games in Denver. It appears he's going to base his decision, as always, on his daily horoscope.

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: David Ortiz, Red Sox, Steroids, Major League Baseball, Bud Selig

Lacey Chabert Responds to the Lindsay Lohan Situation

2007-10-18T10:30:00.000-04:00

Dear Lindsay,

We were in Mean Girls together. I want to remind you of that in case the cocaine, alcohol, and Valderrama juice made you forget. I was, like, a very important co-star that really helped move along the character development and plot. And I look good in tight clothing. Yummy to be exact! We clear? Good. Now let me tell you what's wrong with your life.

Nothing. Most people don't know this, but I'm an extreme libertarian. Okay, maybe that's not true. In fact, I don't even know what the word libertarian means. Actually, I don't know what extreme means either, but that's irrelevant (I know what that means!). What I'm trying to, like, say and stuff is that you have every right to destroy your life and throw away your fortune. I just want a piece of the action...and I don't mean on screen. Yes, I want your parts, but not the ones on film. I want your lady parts. Mmmm hmmmm. I want a piece of your booty! Gimmeee some of that redhead ass, bitch! Sorry, that's a little bit extreme (I just looked up the meaning, so now I can use it!). But in reality, I want to visit your nether-regions and drink from your cup of life. So to speak.

I'm not a lesbian, I just like touching women in a sexual way. Often. With no men around. In the vicinity of a crossing guard (either sex will do). Is that freaky? Yeah, tell me it's freaky bitch! Sorry, I got a bit excited there again. Your lovely lady lumps tend to do that to me. I don't know what it is about you and your Lo-parts. They make me go "Awwuuuuga...Awwwuuuuuga," or something neat like that. You feelin' what I'm sayin'? That was my "K-fed dialect" in case you were wondering.

You turned on yet, Lindsay? You should be! I'll let you do lots of cocaine on my ass. I'll even let you snort some lines off of my superfluous fifth nipple (don't ask about 3 and 4! hee hee). Hell, I'd let you do anything to me...I just want to be part of the equation. 7 million...10 million...100 million...you can blow any fortune on me, my little honey bunches of oats. I'm your girl 4ever. But I'm not a lesbian. I'm a Lo-handsbian. You said it! No, I guess I did. Either way, it's been said. Do me baby!

Love and Lumps,
Lacey Chabert

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Lacey Chabert, Lindsay Lohan, Wilmer Valderrama

Patricia Heaton Reviews Mannequin 2

2007-10-08T22:54:00.000-04:00

It's a little late, but as we promised last week, every week a B-List celebrity (is there really any other kind?) will do a movie review of a classic movie that was severely under-appreciated in its own time. Through our experience with Wilford Brimley and Gary Coleman, we've learned that the best way to treat a B-List celebrity is just to give him/her free reign to write whatever they want. And with that, we present Patricia Heaton's review of "Mannequin 2".

Good Evening,

I'm Patricia Heaton and I've had a boob lift. That has absolutely nothing to do with my review, but I just wanted to remind everyone of that fact. Big fan of the plastic surgery. Big fan. Mighty big fan. I want to get a face lift so I can one day be attractive. There, it's been said. Sue me.

Getting back to my review, which is the essence of this piece, not my boob lift, which I've had, and I'm proud of, I'd like to rave about the beauty of Mannequin 2 (a.k.a. Mannequin on the Move). What a great movie! I loved this movie more than I love my boob lift, which I love dearly. Consider the plot...um...consider it...uh...okay, I haven't seen the movie, but I know it's really good because Ray Romano told me it was good when he forced me to have sex with him. Ha ha, just kidding. I didn't actually have sex with Ray!! It was just a blow job.

Sorry about the digression. Back to the point. I just looked up Mannequin 2 on the internet and realized that it's not really a great movie. It stars Bernie from Weekend at Bernie's, the guy from Herman's Head, and Kristy Swanson. You know, the original Buffy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Hmmm...the reviewers don't seem to be too kind to it. Hold on, let me go out and rent it. I'll be right back.

Okay, I'm back. And I'm sick to my stomach. What a horrendous movie! I thought Brad Garrett's TV show was awful, but this puts that one to shame. Or rather, this movie makes that show look like a rarefied piece of art that should be hung in a museum or in Ray Romano's gilded mansion. I keep referring to him because he was my TV husband on that juggernaut known as Everybody Loves Raymond. Ever seen it? You should. Every time you watch it I make money. No, not from royalties. From blow jobs. Yeah, I don't understand either.

Anyway, the gist of the movie is that a Mannequin comes to life, makes out with some guy, and then something about a foreign country and...well...I'm sorry, it's just too awful. Who the hell greenlights this stuff? I'm relegated to doing TV shows with Kelsey fucking Grammer and this gets made into a movie? Who the hell do I have to sleep with to get a movie deal? Please tell me because I'd do it. Really, I would. Momma needs another boob lift.

In conclusion...don't ever rent this movie. You may want to throw up. Although that will certainly keep you thin, which is good. Then you don't need tummy tucks, like I had. But I'm proud of it. Like my boob lift. So...then I guess you should rent this movie. Then you'll be like me! Woo hoo!

Love,
Patricia Heaton

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Patricia Heaton, Ray Romano, Mannequin 2, Brad Garrett, Everybody Loves Raymond

K-Fed To Donate Children To Charity

2007-10-03T10:10:00.000-04:00

What up my bitches!!!

Yo, I am psyched that I got my kids back from that shaved pussy showing crazy girl! You know, my wife Britney Spears? Yeah, she done and lost our kids in that custody battle thing we just did in court. It was fuckin' awesome, man! I mean, I love those lil' sonofabitches so much. I totally wouldn't trade them for a rap career. No way. I may consider it a bit, but there ain't no way I'm tradin' them. Okay, maybe one of them, but that's it. Imagine that, yo, me a rap star. That would be the fuckin' bizzomb! That's right, I said bizzomb. I'm bringing back 2002, baby!

I don't even have to tell you that I'm a good parent, because I'm sure you know it already. Although it don't take much to look like a good parent compared to my ex-wife. I totally don't get drunk and naked around my kids like that wizzoman does. Sure, I smoke crack, but that's totally different, yo. Crack is like my medicine, man. It keeps me focused on life and stuff. But my kids never try my crack. The only crack they see is Britney's shaved pussy. Booooooo yahhhhhh!! That's a funny joke, yo. Funny in that my-kids-are-going-be-in-serious-therapy type of way, you know? It's alright, cuz the Brit will pay for the sessions. She's "rich y'all" as she would say. That's why I loved her.

Now, some of you may say that this whole thing is kind of depressing and that those poor children are the ones who will suffer in the end. You'd probably be right, but this is not about being right. It's about winning. And I won!!! I gots me those kids now! And I'm going to raise them to be famous rap stars so they can one day give me a job. Speaking of which, if you know anyone who's looking to hire a rap star, or male dancer, or waiter at Denny's, I'm your man. I'm alllll man, as Phil Collins would say.

Just remember, you can't spell father without K-Fed. Uh, huh. That's right. Kick it. Old school style bizzzznitch. Long live 2002!!!

Fresh and Def,
K-Fed

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Britney Spears, K-Fed, Shaved Pussy

Jon Cryer Reviews Navy Seals

2007-09-27T10:17:00.000-04:00

We're starting a new feature this week. Every Thursday a B-List celebrity (is there really any other kind?) will do a movie review of a classic movie that was severely under-appreciated in its own time. Through our experience with Wilford Brimley and Gary Coleman, we've learned that the best way to treat a B-List celebrity is just to give him/her free reign to write whatever they want. And with that, we present Jon Cryer's review of "Navy Seals".

Good Afternoon,

As too many of you know, I am co-star with Charlie Sheen in a little TV show called "Three Men and a Little Lady," or something similar to that. In that show we play a gay couple who have adopted an orphan black child and are raising him to be a successful chiropractor. Or something similar to that concept. Over the past few years, I've gotten to know Charlie Sheen pretty darn well. We're almost on a first name basis at this point! With great and long-lasting friendship comes idol worship, of course, and I am in full-out Charlie Sheen worshipping mode. Let me tell you: the man can act and that's a fact, Jack. I know this from working with him and from watching his movies - all of them. Yes, I've seen all of them. Allow me to explain.

You see, I have a mild form of autism and really don't enjoy socializing with other human beings. Or at least that's what I tell myself to justify my lack of substantial and meaningful friendships. Anyway, as a result of my "autism" I spend most of my Friday nights alone eating Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream and watching old movies. By old I mean prior to 2005. After signing on to "Three Men and a Baby: The Series" with Charlie Sheen, I figured I'd watch his old movies to see what I was getting myself into. All I have to say is wow. What a career. I could go on and on and on about all of the great films in which he's appeared (e.g. Platoon, Major League II, Good Advice), but for today I want to focus on his best: Navy Seals.

Picture an action movie where the good guys win, the tough guy gets the girl, the young rookie makes a mistake that costs his black friend's life but then learns from his mistake to save the tough guy in the end, and the bad guys speak in a funny language. Throw in a golf montage scene with ridiculously short 1980s shorts, a nerdy Star Wars reference, and a predictable plot with comically simple expositional dialogue that allows a child of 4 to grasp what's going on and you have the makings of a smash hit! Oh yeah, throw in a little Charlie Sheen and you have one of the greatest movies of all time! I have no idea why it only made $800,000 at the box office ($600,000 of which coming from repeated Emilio Estevez viewings). What more can you want in an action movie? I don't want coherence or character development or differentiation from other action movies. When I see an action movie, I want to know exactly what's going to happen before it happens. That way I won't be surprised with any suspense crap!

Take, for example, the scene where they blow things up. Classic! How about the scene where they kill bad guys or make fun of those stodgy boss people? Awesome! Have I mentioned the 80's short-shorts golf montage? Oh yeah, I did. Sorry. The fact that this movie never plays on cable anymore and I saw it on sale at a yard sale for 40 cents amazes me. This should sell for $400 Canadian dollars. That's how good it is. People are totally missing out.

But there's hope. I spoke with Charlie the other day on set and he said that he's putting together a Collector's Edition with DVD extras. Okay, that's a lie. I didn't really speak to him on set as I'm not allowed to talk directly to him (I communicate via the black orphan child on our show). But I imagine that's what he would have said if we did speak. He's great that way. Once I saw him without his shirt on and I totally lost control of my bowels!

It's time for me to go now and work on my preparation for next week's episode. We're doing a special two-part episode where the black orphan child rejects his calling as a chiropractor and decides to go into dentistry. Our show is funny!

Love,
Jon Cryer

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Jon Cryer, Charlie Sheen, Two and a Half Men, Navy Seals, Emilio Estevez

President Bush Wants An Emmy

2007-09-19T07:24:00.000-04:00

Dear America,

I want an Emmy! C'mon people, I deserve one of them Emmy thangs. After all, I am the only acting President now, right? That has to mean something. I know it'll never happen because it's that damn liberal intelligensia who vote on the award, but I've had some damn fine TV moments where I've acted my Texas ass off. For instance, remember when I talked about Mission Accomplished? That was great acting because none of what I said was true. Some people in America may have accused me of lying or trumping up stuff. No, no, no. It's acting. When I said I would fire anyone involved in the leaking of that Plame woman, and then didn't do anything when Rovey-boy was caught. I didn't go back on my word. I never had a word! You see, I was acting. Acting! That's why I deserve an Emmy type thing.

Don't let that James Spader guy fool you, I'm the best acting man, or whatever they call that award. I wear my shirt with the sleeves rolled up when I'm really trying to act. That's my way of showing you American people that I am acting because I'm so good that you wouldn't know if I didn't tell you. In the middle of some of my speeches, I've thought about turning to the camera and saying, "Ha ha! I'm acting. You didn't know that!" Like when I kept supporting that Attorney General Alberto guy even though everyone hated him. I was acting, but you had no idea. That's how good I am. If that doesn't deserve an Emmy, then I don't know what does. Maybe Jessica Alba for that new movie. No wait, that's an Oscar Meyer.

I'll let you go now, cuz you have important things to do. I have to go run a country. Unfortunately, I don't have an Emmy to help me run the country, but you can't have everything. If I could have one thing in this world, it would be an Emmy. And then maybe world peace and prosperity. But first my Emmy, cuz then I could use it to beat up silly Democrats. Ha ha! Acting again. Or was I?

Actingly Yours,
George W. Bush

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Jessica Alba, Emmy, President Bush, James Spader, Alberto Gonzales

Britney Explains Her Meltdown

2007-09-11T16:15:00.000-04:00

Hey Y'all,

I'd like to officially apologize for my awful VMA performance. Although I take NO responsibility for my actions and blame my lackluster performance on lots of stuff, that, you know, was distracting and stuff. I mean, can you believe that Sarah Silverman asshole? She totally made fun of my shaved pussy! The only thing allowed to comment on my shaved pussy is another shaved pussy. Isn't that right, Mr. Shaved Pussy?

That's right. So, shut your damn trap you unfunny person and stuff. I'm talking to you Sarah Silverman! Don't make me start telling Jewish jokes. No really, don't make me tell them. I don't know any and I'll look even more stupider.

Look, y'all, I don't want to keep apologizing for everything I do. Clearly it's going to be wrong to you people (by you people I mean the civilized world), but I don't care about being wrong. I just care about going out there and giving it my all, or at least 30%, and hoping for the best. Sometimes, like at the VMAs, I'm a bit distracted and only give 15%, while holding back the other 105%, or whatever the numbers work out to be and stuff. That's cuz I was distracted, y'all. Distracted by Sarah Silverman. Distracted by the two things I quefed out of my shaved pussy (I'm talking 'bout my kids, y'all). Distracted by the rampant rise of the global military-industrial complex and stuff. I'm just very distracted, y'all, and that's why I looked like I was hopped up on goofballs onstage the other day. It ain't my fault, so don't blame me! But I still wanted to apologize. Understand?

So I hope you'll go out and buy my album, because I need the money, y'all. K-Fed and Brad Garrett have been occupying all of my time, but all 20 minutes of the preparation that I put into the album have been worth it. It's gonna be a rocking good time, y'all. Why? Cuz it's Britney, bitch! Yeah, that sounds adult!

Love and Grits,
Britney Spears

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Britney Spears, VMA, Brad Garrett, Meltdown, Sarah Silverman

The Evolution of Creationism

2007-09-06T14:16:00.000-04:00

(We now take a brief respite from celebrity gossip for an offbeat editorial. With thanks to C. Cruz and E Gangnath for the illustration and Life Regurgitated for editorial assistance...)

Creationists are full of shit. There, I said it. Too blunt for you? Sorry, but there’s no subtle way to state the glaringly obvious. The world was not created in seven days and 24 hours, and that’s final. No ifs, ands or J-Lo butts. The world was created over billions of years through the natural processes of mutation, sex, and…well…sex. G-d did not create Adam early one day from dust and Eve later that day from Adam’s rib. Adam and Eve did not live in the Garden of Eden. A snake did not advise Eve to eat a forbidden apple filled with knowledge. Those are all lies. In reality, monkeys had sex with each other, monkeys had sex with gardens, monkeys had sex with dust, monkeys had sex with snakes, and then monkeys ate apples when they were too tired to have more sex. Somewhere along the line this produced humans. And that is evolution in a nutshell; you have sex with enough things and sooner or later you’ll evolve. It’s really quite simple.

But what do I know? I’m not a scientist or a priest or a rabbi or a Unitarian. I’m just a simple Jewish man, and not even really that Jewish to boot. I’m a JINO, or Jew In Name Only, so maybe I can’t be considered an authority on such a deep religious matter. I mean, the closest I’ve come to actually embracing my own Judaism was when I hooked up with a Jewish girl during Passover one year. But I don’t care. I’m an American, and being uninformed has never stopped Americans from voicing their opinions. As a good jingoistic American it’s my G-d given right – nay, my duty – to make my opinion known and then attempt to stifle dissent.

Getting back to it, I’m not saying that the actual act of Creation never happened. Who can say that for certain? I’m just saying that the whole darn process didn’t happen 6000 years ago in seven distinct 24 hour days. Some form of Creation may have occurred, but the whole process began a lot earlier and took a lot longer. You just can’t argue with that fact. It is a bona-fide truth that can be backed up with piles upon piles of scientific evidence. And if you can’t trust science, then who can you trust? Science has brought us light bulbs and computers and space ships and the android commonly known as Dick Clark. Clearly we should give them the benefit of the doubt in this instance.

Supporting the theory of evolution does not require a full abandonment of religion. I don’t think anyone wants Creationists to give up their respective religions. Okay, that’s a lie – Communists do. Then again, Communism in its purest form abolishes all eternal truths such as religion and morality…but that’s a conversation for another day. My point is that rational religious people (what a wonderful oxymoron) can and do interweave faith and science. It doesn’t have to be the way of strict Creationists, who don’t mix the two. Strict Creationists believe that faith and science go together like oil and water, Iraq and Iran, and my ex-girlfriend and monogamy. For these wackos, Creation as written in the bible is absolute truth, and all other theories are 100% invalid. According to strict Creationists, the Big Bang is what happens on your wedding night and survival of the fittest is what occurs when plates are scarce at the salad bar at Sizzler’s. What a sad, bullshit-filled world in which they live.

As many, many, many, many, many commentators have already stated (i.e., I won’t belabor this point), the Bible should be read as a combination of detailed instructions, lessons, allegories, and odd ritualistic goat sacrifices. Every story, lesson, and proclamation should not be translated as literal truth, otherwise contradictions would abound. For example, if all humans are supposed to be crafted in the Lord’s image, then does G-d have both male and female qualities? In other words, is G-d a transvestite or a transsexual? If so, does that mean the long-flowing robes we’ve seen G-d wearing in drawings are actually dresses? These are the types of questions that arise if you take the Bible too seriously.

Another important thing to note is that believing in evolution does not diminish the perceived magnitude of an Almighty’s existence. On the contrary, it gives G-d more credit for His work. Seriously, the 7-24 Creation story does not cast the omnipotent Yahweh in the best of lights. First of all, He needed a full day of rest after finishing his work. If He’s so great and powerful, why does he need to take a break? Is He part of a union or something? If that’s the case, maybe John 3:16 is actually the name of the local teamster organization. Regardless, any way you look at it the strict Creationist version of Earth’s beginnings casts G-d as a lazy underachiever. Suck it up, G-d, and get back to work.

The other part of the 7-24 Creation story that positions G-d in a negative light is the famous apple-eating incident. How infallible can G-d be if His first great creation fucks up so badly in such a short time period? Barely a week goes by before Adam and Eve blatantly disobey their creator by chowing down on that Granny Smith apple. That’s not free will. That’s not G-d’s plan. That’s nothing more than shoddy workmanship! If G-d lived in Detroit and manufactured cars for a living, this crappy type of work would put Him out of business in less than a year. Think about all the recalls He’d have to handle!

On the other hand, evolution (by way of some form of Creation), makes G-d look ingenious. Assuming G-d had humans in mind when he created this whole shebang, an assumption you have to make to be Christian or Jewish, then He must have had an immense amount of foresight. Only a true genius could plan out what we’d look like after billions and billions of years of gradual evolution. Any idiot can make a man in a week. Great geniuses can see beyond the now and look the past the when to see the then.

In conclusion, Creationists are full of shit. They hide behind a web of deceit, denying what’s painfully obvious to all that choose to look. Sadly, their message of ignorance has been spreading, infecting America faster than a drug resistant strain of syphilis. Only we, the great and powerful liberal intelligentsia, can put a stop to their madness. We must band together and fight for our right to evolve. Otherwise, my Darwin-loving friends, the sickness will grow too strong to stop, and we may find ourselves cast out of the great Garden of Eden we call America.

Can I get an Amen? Hallelujah.

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Creation, Evolution, J-Lo

Tom Brady Misses Charmed

2007-09-04T09:42:00.000-04:00

Dear TNT,

I miss Charmed. I just watched a couple of episodes this morning and now I have to wait a whole 2 hours for the next 9 episodes to run. And then I'll have to wait another 1 hour for the next 8 episodes. That's a long time to wait for a Charmed episode! I'm used to getting what I want, and I don't like this "delay" that's happening. You know what that must mean? You're not running enough Charmed episodes each day. It's time to up the daily Charmed quotient from 14 episodes to 22. I want almost a full day of Charmed every day. I don't care if you eliminate every other program. It'll be worth it not to have that empty feeling in between episodes. Who needs NBA basketball or The Closer or 789th viewing of Shawshank Redemption? Not me. I just want me some witches, some cleavage, and...well...that's about all I need to get through the day.

You see, I just brought a child into the world. Well, technically, I just created it, but that's not my point. My point is that the fruit of my manseed needs to be raised in world where he doesn't have to miss Charmed at all. If he wants Charmed, he should be able to get Charmed, without using that newfangled Tivo contraption. He should just look at his TV and say, "Give me Alyssa Milano in a non-soft-core-porn role other than Who's the Boss?," and Charmed should pop on the screen. On a side note, have you ever seen an episode of Who's the Boss? recently? Definitely does NOT hold up the same as some of those 80's sitcom hits (e.g., Cheers). Tony Danza is just dreadful. But I digress.

Look, I don't want to cause trouble for anyone over at TNT. Don't fire anyone or bury them in some subordinate role like opening fan mail for Dr. John Carter on ER. Just heed my advice and play Charmed more times a day. You don't play it nearly enough right now and I miss it when it's not on. A lot. Almost as much as I'll miss Rodney Harrison for the first few weeks. Who am I kidding, I miss it more. Please stop the pain, TNT. Give me the crack that I crave. More Charmed!!

Yours in Football,
Tom Brady

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Tom Brady, Charmed, Alyssa Milano, Tony Danza, TNT

An Open Letter from Luke Wilson to Owen Wilson

2007-08-30T10:59:00.000-04:00

Dear Bro,

Wow, man. I mean, wow. Why you gotta try to off yourself like that? Life is good, Broseph. The world is your oyster. You're my boy, Blue! Wait, that was Will Ferrell's line. Your my brother, and I'm deeply hurt that you would try to kill yourself. That means you hate me and don't want to be my brother anymore. Yes, it's all about me. I play this selfless everyman character in a ton of movies, but in reality I'm as selfish as the most selfishist selfish lord the world has ever seen. You should know that as I never used to share anything. Even my kidney when you needed it growing up. It's all about me, and that's why I'm offended that you tried to kill yourself.

Why don't you like me anymore? We used to be the tightest of tight brothers. But then I went and had a taste of Bea Arthur's Vagina and you stopped talking to me. Maybe that's what caused you to be jealous of me. You wanted a taste too. Not having a taste of the almighty BAV would cause any man to go crazy, but suicide? That's a bit harsh, bro. You may want to explore other options in the future. Homicide. Genicide. Oinkicide (the killing of pigs). Just not suicide.

I'd like to help you out, but I don't know how. Not because I don't know you, but because I don't know how to help anyone but myself. Although I'm not too good at helping myself either. Have you seen My Super Ex-Girlfriend? I kind of considered suicide after that one, as well. But I didn't do it? Why? I don't know. But I just didn't. And neither should you. So, take some time off and get yourself better and then reevaluate your life. If at that point you still don't want to live, call Britney Spears and she'll take care of you. I don't mean "take care of you" in a Mafia way. I mean she can become your mother and then kill you by bad parenting. Funny, huh? Yup, I still got it. I'm a laugh a minute.

Take it easy bro, and avoid those knives. They're a bitch on the wrists.

Love,
Luke Wilson

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Owen Wilson, Luke Wilson, Bea Arthur's Vagina, Britney Spears

A Hearty Congrats from Jiminy Cricket

2007-08-23T10:29:00.000-04:00

We just received this letter from a fan of the site, and we thought we'd post it as recent blogging has been at a standstill. Apologies, as the chief editor has been off in a strange land getting married to a girl who is way out of his league so he's doing everything he can not to screw it up.

Dear Concerned Fan,

Congrats on your upcoming marriage on Saturday. That really doesn't explain why you've been posting at such an absurdly slow rate in the past few weeks, but we'll give you the benefit of the doubt this time. This time. Next time I'll tell you to bend over while Pinocchio tells a lie, if you know what I mean. If you don't know what I mean, I'm talking about shoving a wooden nose up your caboose. Capisce? No, I'm not Italian, I just like talking like one. Why do you think I'm Italian? I'm a fucking cricket - I don't have a nationality. Ah...forget about it.

Anyway, I know things have been crazy for you, but I wanted to give you some advice as you plunge headlong into a life of just one pussy. For starters, don't ever tell your wife she's fat. I had a buddy who did that, and his wife bit his head off. Granted, she's a cricket and that's what crickets tend to do, but that's beside the point. Yes, I know you're thinking I'm confusing crickets with grasshoppers, but you don't know the fucking crickets that I run with. They'd make you want to bite off your own head, if you know what I'm fucking talking about. Capisce?

As I was saying, I wish you the best of luck with your nuptials. My wife, well, she's a fucking piece of work. You know that song I sing? The one about wishing on a fucking star, and all that jazz? Well, the star is actually a metaphor for my wife's pussy. I'm wishing that I can have another one. Man oh man did I regret ever getting married. Wait, scratch that. I'm supposed to be wishing you luck. Much luck, my friend, in this crazy thing called marriage. Don't cheat, make lots of money, and don't name your kid Gepetto, and you'll be okay. Capisce? Capisce. You fuckin' crazy kid.

Yours in Life,
Jiminy Cricket

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Jiminy Cricket, marriage, Concerned Fan, Pinocchio, Gepetto

Rove to Join Lindsay Lohan on Party Circuit

2007-08-13T07:22:00.000-04:00

Washington, D.C. (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Karl Rove, long-time servant of George W. Bush and Mephistopheles has announced his resignation from the White House staff in order to pursue new opportunities on the young celebrity party circuit with the likes of Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, and Patton Oswalt. Rove has always been known for his legendary White House keggers, and now he has a chance to live up to his nickname as the White House Chief of Beer when he starts clubbing with the panty-less duo.

It's not unprecedented for a White House staffer to resign and then join the ranks of the Hollywood "young and washed up" crew. When Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney left the Ford White House, they immediately joined Leif Garrett on the party circuit, introducing him to cocaine and ultimately hastening his ruination. Rove, always a fan of Dick, has wanted to follow in his footsteps for a long time and now will have a chance. The timing of the move is unsurprising, as Rove is facing 657 different federal investigations for potential crimes committed.

Sources close to Lohan indicate that she's excited to see the legendary Maestro of Malevolence in action. Sources close to Britney Spears don't indicate anything as they were too busy cleaning up her most recent vomit. No official word yet from the Rove camp, as they were performing their daily goat sacrifice to the Dark Lord, but White House Press Secretary Tony Snow indicated that Rove is looking forward to the new challenge of further corrupting a segment of the population that appears to have little room for further corruption. He followed his comment with a sinister laugh.

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Karl Rove, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Patton Oswalt, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Leif Garrett

Wilford Brimley Sounds Off

2007-07-31T21:46:00.000-04:00

Dear America and Sometimes God Damn Canada,

God damnit. God damnit. God damnit. I'm spittin' mad and there ain't enough Quaker Oats oatmeal in the world to calm me down. This whole God damn world is going to hell, and nobody's doing shit to stop it. Every day at 3:47 PM I sit down to take a big ole Wilford on the terlit, bringing in my newspaper of course, and sure enough I read a new God damn article about Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, or Paris motherfucking Hilton. Enough already. Get a job you God damn hippies. If there's one thing this ole codger hates it's good for nothing tramps that go cavorting and gallivanting around town wearing who-knows-what and doing who-knows-who. It pisses me off real bad, and I ain't a guy to lose his temper a lot. Okay, that's a God damn lie. I lose my temper when a British person says "shhedule" or when a VCR blinks 12:00 or even when a cat sneezes. Hell, I've lost my temper so many times, I ain't remembered what's it like to be in a good mood. But my God damn point is that I hate these young little slunks (that's my word for drunk sluts), and hope to all things holy that they check their blood sugar and go off to Siberia to live with them Commie bastards.

Now, I wouldn't go and wish The Diabetes on them as that's not right to wish on anyone, but I'd definitely wish Herpes on them. Then again, they probably already have it and a whole host of other God damn sexually transmitted diseases. I can assure you that they don't have The Wilford, which is a particularly nasty virus that you can only get from ridin' my pissed off old balls. I picked up that one in Nam. Not the war, mind you, but on a vacation I took last year with the God damn Hawaiian Tropic Girls. Now there are some wholesome God damn American women. Britney and Lindsay and that jailbird slunk Paris should take a lesson from them. My wife took many lessons from them and she's the best God damn wife an oatmeal eating diabetic could ask for. She don't talk nonsense, she earns a healthy living, she likes my mustache, and she lets me put my Wilford stick in her Wilford hole whenever I God damn want, which is once every third Wednesday.

If there's one thing I don't understand, it's why America's so God damn obsessed with these harlots and hussies. If it were up to me, and it should be, none of those so-called news networks would ever run a story about them. But they do and we're left to suffer. Well, that makes me madder than a rabid raccoon with a taste for flesh. Instead of running stories on these glorified artificial vaginas, the news should be running Liberty Medical commercials that advise people to check their blood sugar, and check it often. Or they should run stories about that war going on in that place in the other part of the world. Or they should update me on John Stamos's new fling. Those are real stories that real God damn Americans want to know about. We don't like those God damn stories about Britney and Lindsay and Paris. Trust me, I'm Wilford Brimley. I have The Diabetes and I know what's news.

So I command all of you Americans and God damn Canadians who are reading this to write your Congressman. Tell him you're pissed off about the news coverage and want to see something different or you'll storm the statehouse and rip him a new Wilford. You can tell em' Wilford Brimley sent ya', although I'm sure he'll know.

Pissed Off,
Wilford Brimley

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Wilford Brimley, Lindsay Lohan, Diabetes, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton

In My First Act As President

2007-07-21T09:29:00.000-04:00

Dear America,

In my first act as President, I'm going to kill 19 kittens and 47 bunnies. And one water buffalo with dingleberries on its ass. Just shoot them with my hand cannon. Argggh!! That should make those liberals squirm like the dogs they are. I am the President of the World and you can't stop me, you liberal terrorists. I'm going to simulcast the killings on TV and then loop it over and over until that idiot takes over as President again when he's finished with his bi-decade Katie Couric. But just before he takes over, I'm going to sign an Executive Order requiring that this kitten-and-bunny-cide occurs at least twice year, on both my birthdays. Yes, I have two birthdays. And they come whenever I want. Because I'm Dick Cheney and you're not, you little bitches!

You ever see a bunny die up close? I have. Every week I see it when I kill them on my birthday. That's right, I have a birthday every week. Every day is Dick Cheney day! I just had a birthday five minutes ago, and as President, I'm going to make it a national holiday. Every day of the year will be Dick Cheney Day where you can torture inmates, keep things secret from the American public, and headbutt 5 year olds. I'm President right now and I can do what I want, which includes eating bran muffins in bed. I need the fiber.

Now all of you bow to me. Bow to my bald skull and palsey-shaped mouth! I grimace in your general direction. I am Dick Cheney and I'm celebrating my 90th birthday in the last 10 minutes. And I'm going to kill a bunny right now. Watch it die!!! Oh, and if you get a chance, can you win the Iraq war for me? Thanks.

Love and Cuddles,
Dick Cheney

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Dick Cheney, President Bush, Kill Bunnies

Air Bud Challenges Michael Vick To A Fight

2007-07-18T22:20:00.000-04:00

Hey Michael,

So you like fighting dogs, eh? Yeah, it makes you feel tough. You feel like a real man, dontcha. We know you're a big pussy on the football field and can't win the big game, but as long as you hang or electrocute a dog, you're a tough guy. Well not in my book. You're just a cocksucking punkass pathetic excuse for a football player. I challenge you to a fight, in the parking lot or on the gridiron. I'll take you either way cuz I'm a tough son of a bitch. Yeah, she was a bitch. They all are. And I'm a badass wide receiver. Bad enough to embarrass your ass. You like hurting dogs? Well I'll like hurting you. Cuz you're a big pussy, and if there's one thing I destroy...it's pussies.

Don't try to run away. Sure, you may be fast, but I'm Air Bud...I can outrun anyone. Maybe you'd know that if you didn't spend so much time killing dogs for fun. You make my blood boil, and that's a dangerous thing because my blood is jet fuel and I'm ready to explode. I can't wait to see you sitting there in court in your finest suit, your tail hanging between your legs. Wait, you don't have a tail because you're not a dog. You kill dogs. Well guess what? I'm a dog, and I'm here to kick your human ass.

See this helmet on me? It's not there for my protection; it's there for yours. I don't know what that means, but it sounds menacing and that's what I'm here to do. Menace you. And bite you. And then I'll lead my team to the Super Bowl. Because I'm Air Bud: Golden Receiver and I don't take shit from nobody...especially not a dog killer. Asshole. Fear me.

Menacingly,
Air Bud

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Michael Vick, dogfighting, Air Bud

You Know I'm E-mailing You From The Crapper

2007-07-14T19:05:00.000-04:00

Hey Bill,

Did you get that meeting request I sent you? I sent it from the crapper. Oh, and that e-mail I sent you the other day about the budget deadline? Totally from the bathroom. I was ripping out a big one when I was writing about next month's forecast. That's what I love about my blackberry. I can poop and e-mail at the same time. It's great, I know. Technology allows me to combine two of my favorite things into one combined activity. I call it: shit-mailing. It's a logical name, don't you think? And I'm doing it right now.

Pretty much all my e-mails come from the crapper. And nobody is the wiser! I don't have to lug a laptop in like George from accounting. He's going to get caught one day soon. Oh, and Lenny from Accounts Payable? He brings in his PC and then runs the ethernet cable in from his desk. I know he's going to get caught one of these days. But me? I'm happy to secretly type away at my blackberry while I grunt out a loaf. All I need is a lamb casserole to eat and I'd be in heaven.

You'd be surprised how many e-mails I've sent while doing the deed. Hundreds of thousands. I have fingers like lightening and can send out at least 30 e-mails per "session." And I'm not talking about short little e-mails either. Every e-mail is at least 400-500 words. No joke. I'm that good. But that shouldn't surprise you as I've always been the best e-mailer this side of the Mississippi. Sometimes you see smoke coming out of the blackberry. Or maybe it's from my ass. Either way, it's cool.

Okay, I gotta go now. I have a meeting with Chuck in Marketing in about five minutes. That and my ass is getting numb. See you later today at the strategy roundtable.

Yours in Crap,
Matt

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: E-mail, Blackberry, Crapper, Strategy Roundtable

Hey Tori, Can You Marry Me? And Then Take Your Top Off.

2007-07-10T20:53:00.000-04:00

Hey Tori,

Nice cans. I can't believe you've become a minister. That's so hot. Ministers aren't supposed to have cans like yours. Take your top off. C'mon, do it for me. You're such a piece of ass. Even though you're horrifically ugly, I'm willing to look past your disfigured face. And I don't care about your weight. Just give me some naked minister action. I'll make Artie and Fred turn away if you want.

And while your top is off, you can marry me. Ever since I proposed I've been looking for some skanky minister chick to marry Beth and me. You can be that skanky minister chick. You know the FCC would have a field day if you married me while topless on the radio. C'mon, do it for ole Howie. If you don't, I'll make you listen to that stupid Simpsons Spider Pig commercial again. Yeah, I can see your top coming off now. That's so hot. A naked minister marrying me. If only you were hot.

Drooling...but also cringing at your face,
Howard Stern

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Howard Stern, Tori Spelling, Spider Pig, Minister

Hey, Pancake Tits! I'm Talking to You

2007-07-09T06:57:00.000-04:00

Hey there Pancake Tits. Yeah, I'm talking to you. You think you're so hot, don't you. Sitting there with no bra on with your nips showin' through. I'm on to your little parlor games. You're not foolin' anyone, least of all me. Don't even try to look down at your free newspaper on the subway. I have a free newspaper too, but I'm not reading it. I'm staring at your pancake tits. Yeah, I am. Why don't you stare at my formal business pants-suit. Oh, it's not the same, is it? Not all of us can make such a bold statement as you can, Ms. Pancake Tits. Or is it Mrs. Pancake Tits? I don't want to insult a Mr. Pancake Tits if there is one in your life. I mean, why wouldn't there be, right? You have everything a young business executive needs. You've got style, flare, a free newspaper in the subway, and pancake tits. As a young, up-and-coming female executive, I'm jealous of you. That's right, I want to have your pancake tits. That way, I can stop wearing these constricting business suits and just show my PTs to the world. That's why I'm staring at you. It's pure jealousy.

I hate you. Okay, I said it. You and your pancake tits are taunting me. Don't deny it, Pancake Tits, because that's what you've been thinking about all along. That's why you wore what you wore. There's no other reason to wear a thin t-shirt with no bra in the subway on the way to work unless you want to taunt other women with your glorious pancake tits. Oh, I know your type. And that makes me hate you even more, Pancake Tits. I will destroy you one day. Be sure of that. I'm sure of it. Just as I'm sure that your pancake tits are horrible. You heard me. Deal with it.

Okay, it's my stop now on the subway. Keep reading. Don't even look up. Fine, be that way Pancake Tits. I'll get you one day. Oh, you'll see. I'll get you and your braless pancake tits. Just you wait. Fucking nip shower. Go to hell.

Love,
Young Female Business Executive

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Pancake Tits

Bush Commutes Libby's Sentence; Tank Johnson Next

2007-07-02T19:55:00.000-04:00

Washington, DC (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

In a move praised by conservatives, decried by liberals, and smiled at by red-headed step-children, President Bush commuted the sentence of famed perjurer Scooter Libby. Calling the sentence "excessively largenated," the highly-rated President eliminated Libby's planned jail time. In a related move, the President also commuted the sentence of Bears defensive legend Tank "Another Drink Please" Johnson. The commuting of Libby's sentence was expected, but Johnson's came as a surprise, particularly because he didn't actually have a sentence. Bush dismissed the fact of Johnson's lack of a sentence as "liberal concoctionations invented to confusinate" him.

For the small percentage of Americans living in a cave, Libby was aide to Vice President Cheney who lied to a grand jury about his role in the outing of Valerie Plame and subsequently received a 2 1/2 year prison sentence. Although Bush defied the will of the courts, including the verdicts judges he and his father appointed, he felt that he had to do what was right. As evidenced by his decisions on Iraq, Katrina, and immigration, it's clear that Bush definitely knows the right choice when he sees it. And buoyed by an historically strong approval rating, it's clear the American people trust his judgement to do the right thing and will soundly support this decision.

Sources close to Tank indicate that he's thrilled that the President commuted his sentence, and he's really interested to learn who this "President guy" is. The Libby camp has yet to issue a public statement, but sources close to the former White House staffer indicate that Libby and his team are practicing their one-fingered salute to the liberal media.

No word yet from Vice President Cheney, but sources close to the "Veep" indicate that he plans to emerge from the 9th level of Hell to make a statement soon. Until then, he will continue to flay the souls of kittens, puppies, and ancestors of Maureen Dowd.

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Scooter Libby, President Bush, Tank Johnson, Maureen Dowd, Dick Cheney

CIA Admits Plot To Put Paris Hilton In Jail

2007-06-27T07:35:00.000-04:00

Washington, D.C. (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Recently declassified documents proved for the first time the long-held suspician that the CIA was behind the recent jailing of Paris Hilton. The CIA, which was found to be linked through its own internal documents to an attempted assassination of Fidel Castro in 1960, has denied its role in the Hilton incarceration, but internal memos show that all levels of the organization were involved, from mailroom employee Tim Walewander who spiked her drink, to Director General Michael V. Hayden who instigated the feud with Nicole Richie which ultimately sent Paris down this destructive path. Hayden denies his involvement, but IMs linked to his IP address show Hayden IMing as a disguised Richie talking trash with Hilton, the self-proclaimed Goddess of Gash.

While it may appear odd for the CIA to involve itself with a talentless celebrity like Hilton, it falls within its initial charter. Paragraph 24 of bylaw 14 states that the Agency has "explicit power to fuck up the lives of celebrities, particularly stupid ones with a sense of self-entitlement." Sources have indicated that past Agency actions have targeted Belinda Carlisle, Tiffany, and the popular band Los Lobos. Los Lobos actually have been targeted for destruction on 17 different occassions, most notably after the release of La Bamba.

While many angry citizens are calling for an investigation, others are less outraged. Orrin Hatch, US Senator from Utah and noted dog raper, supports the CIA's actions and has publicly stated that he hopes "the CIA cooks up some more magic for that damn Hilton girl. And I hope they get Los Lobos again." When asked for further comment, the honorable Mr. Hatch held up a poster for the Simple Life, then let his pet dog rip it apart.

No word yet from Ms. Hilton, although sources close to the embattled slut indicate that she's happy to put the instance behind her and is looking forward to dropping the soap again outside of jail.

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Paris Hilton, CIA, Los Lobos

Have You Wikipedia'd Me?

2007-06-20T21:41:00.000-04:00

Dear Mary Hart,

How's it going? It's been a while since we shared the desk over at ET. I'm sure things have been going well for you. I really don't care, but I'm sure that it's all good for you. What I'm really concerned about is me. Have you been keeping up with my goings on? Have you been reading about my life? Have you been studying all things Tesh? In other words, have you Wikipedia'd me recently? You should because I've been up to a lot.

For example, it's my birthday soon. I turn 55. That's a palindrome, in case you were wondering. You'll have to wait 11 years for my next palindromic birthday, so you better get me a card. Or a gift. I'm not picky, but I'd prefer cash. No coins please, even though I know you're quite cheap. Or is it easy? Probably both.

Let's see, I also composed the theme for NBA on NBC in the 1990s. Did you know that? I didn't even know until I Wikipedia'd myself. That sounds dirty, doesn't it? Mmmmm, I just Wikipedia'd myself. Then I'm going to Tesh myself. And then I'll Tesh you! Heh heh heh, snort. Okay, what else about me. I used to play music with Yanni. Hmmm...let's forget about that. Alright...what else...oh yeah, I'm a born-again Christian, so, uh, you're going to hell. No offense.

All and all, it's been quite a great life for me since ET, and it's all on my Wikipedia page. Check it out! At your peril. Heh, heh, heh, snort.

Hopefully we'll see each other soon. Until then, you can go fuck yourself.

Love,
John Tesh

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: John Tesh, Wikipedia, Mary Hart, NBA

I Am A Baby Machine

2007-06-18T22:59:00.000-04:00

Hiya!

I would like to formally introduce myself. My name is Julia Roberts and I am a certified baby machine. I churn them out like nobody's bidness. I was put on this earth for one reason - get inseminated and pop out children. Britney Spears and Katie Holmes are amateurs compared to me. I'm all uterus. I was born on the planet utero and speak uteran. And I love to procreate.

My children - Hazel, Phinnaeus, and now Henry - understand that they are simply 3 of many grown-up zygotes to come. I'm so fertile that I just conceived while writing this. In fact, one time I ate at KFC and got fertilized by the fried chicken skin when it fell on my lap. Most people get a grease stain. I get morning sickness.

Soon my kin will overrun the world, and I will control you all! Wait, sorry, didn't mean to ramble there. What I meant to say was, I love having children! And you all love me for my child-bearing ability. And long legs. And red hair. And girl-next-door quality. And my unassuming, but ever-present lust for power. Um...I meant my smile.

Gotta go. I think I just got pregnant again.

Love,
Julia Roberts

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Julia Roberts, Britney Spears, Katie Holmes, baby

Please Send Me Back To Jail

2007-06-08T01:19:00.000-04:00

Dear Mr. Jail Warden-Type-Person or Judge or Policeman or Nun or Whatever,

Don't send me home from jail. Please, I beg you from the bottom of my well-fucked heart. I really don't want to go home. Sure, I may be on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but that's true pretty much all of the time, so why should my time in jail be any different. I mean, like, would someone who was sane continue to videotape herself having sex over and over and over again even though it keeps getting stolen and uploaded to the internet. Okay, maybe that was a bad question because that describes half the women in Hollywood. Then again, most of Hollywood is crazy. Well, except Tom Sizemore. He's hot. Anyway, my point is...I don't know. Just don't send me home. I'll tell you why.

You see, I want to learn my lesson. Ha ha...just kidding. I actually just want to be prison raped. Like, don't misunderstand me, I don't want to be raped in the Kobe Bryant or Joe Francis type of way. I want to be prison raped in the Showtime Saturday night after dark type of way. You know, where I'm going to take a shower, and I stay in the shower for 20 minutes lathering myself up with soap even though a prison shouldn't really have soap that lathers that much, and then a short-haired and somewhat weary-on-the-eyes but still strangely attractive convict approaches me and softly offers to help. I'm sure you know the rest. Prison rape-a-palooza! That's what I really want to happen, but unfortunately it won't happen if you send me home. So please send me back to jail.

I guess that's all for now. I'm going to go watch some Showtime and...uh...get ready for jail again! :) :) :) :) :) :) That's a lot of smiley faces.

Love,
Paris Hilton

[Ed Note: Although we write about it frequently, we don't condone prison rape. Well, unless Joe Francis or Paris Hilton are involved.]

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Joe Francis, Paris Hilton, Prison Rape, Kobe Bryant

I’m Not Sure You Understand Who I Am

2007-06-01T12:58:00.000-04:00

Dear World,

Do you know who I am? I’m Wil Wheaton. That’s right, I am THE Wil Wheaton, star of TV, movies, the Internet and any other forum for projecting moving images with sound in a cohesive story. Wil fucking Wheaton, do you need me to say it louder? Wait, do you want me to say it again? Watch out, because I’ve been known to get women pregnant just by saying Wil Wheaton. Ah…there it is. You pregnant yet? I am. And I just gave birth. It was a beautiful thing, but you knew that already because I’m Wil Wheaton.

Do you want to arm wrestle? I dare you. Seriously, try me and see how you’ll do against my bulging biceps and piercing stare. My gaze will strike fear in you and immediately cause your wrist to go limp. Not that it will matter for I’m strong enough to beat you on my own, but I like adding insult to injury. I invented that phrase. I invented a lot of things because I’m Wil Fucking wheaton, with a capital Fucking, a capital Wil, and a lowercase wheaton. I am the greatest thing to ever inhabit Earth or Mars. Poems have been written about me, stories have been told in honor of me, and cats have been spayed to praise me. And I will beat you in arm wrestling.

Let’s go over my credits one by one. No, let’s not do that, but let’s think about what it would have been like to do that. Amazing, right? That’s what I thought. I will mention one of my roles because it stands out among the rest. Star Trek the Next Generation is the role I’m talking about, of course. The part of Wesley Crusher was written specifically for me, Wil Fucking Wheaton, even before the show was conceived. You may laugh (although you shouldn’t), but I’m being dead serious. The original working title was Wesley Crusher the Lothario Extraordinaire and the Adventures of the Starship Enterprise. An anti-Wheaton person (amazing that such a person exists, but he does) recommended a few changes and the show that you saw for 7 years was created. Appalling, I know, but the impact I had on the show was still apparent and my legacy still lives on for hundreds of generations to see.

In conclusion, I want to remind you that I am, of course, Wil Fucking Wheaton, man about town and dominator of your mind, body, and soul. I’m not asking you to worship me, I’m telling you to do so. Do you know who I am? Look it up. And then commit it to memory because there’ll be a quiz later, and I’m a tough grader. I mean, why wouldn’t I be? After all, I am Wil Fucking Wheaton.

I Piss On Your Graves,
Wil Wheaton

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Wil Wheaton, Star Trek

Lindsay Lohan Moving To Rome

2007-05-31T17:13:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone!

Did you hear the news? Scientists recently found that particles of cocaine and marijuana were found suspended in the air in Rome. Isn’t that, like, totally awesome? Now I can get my “high on” without paying for a thing. I just have to fly to Rome and inhale the air harder than I inhaled Wilmer Valderrama’s….ego. Heh heh.

You wanna know what’s even better? Alcohol is free on international flights. Yeppers. As some of you may have heard, I have a bit of a drinking problem. Well, the media calls it a problem, but the media also bought into the myth of WMDs, so we see how reliable they are. Ha! Bet you didn’t think I knew what a WMD was! I read Seventeen just like the rest of you and am well aware that we invaded Israel over the Weapons of…weapons of…weapons of MD thing. We showed those Israelis! Where was I? Oh yeah, my repeated DUI infractions and what not. Just because I like to drink heavily every night and then drive doesn’t mean I’m an alcoholic. It just means I’m from Boston. Think about it, how many guys named Sully or Murph do you know who drink every night and then drive home half the time drunk as a damn skunk. Throw in a Pizzi, a Wally, a Crowley, and even a Dempsey and you’re talking DUI infractions all day and every day. If you think about it that way, I’m not a Hollywood diva-in-training who has serious substance abuse problems – I’ve just been hanging around the North End too long.

Regardless, I’m so looking forward to living in another country. Besides being able to inhale drugs all the time, I’ll finally have a break from those damn paparazzi photographers who are always trying to take a picture of my boobies or my panties or my axe wound. Why are they of such interest? Don’t these people have wives or girlfriends or…wait…they’re paparazzi, so of course they don’t. They probably sit home all day and masturbate to Oscar Meyer commercials because the site of cold cuts gives them a sexual rush. Yeah, they probably cry themselves to sleep at night after a very fulfilling day of hiding in the bushes, climbing fences, and knitting. Hell, I’m surprised they aren’t getting DUI infractions every day. Oh, that’s right – they probably can’t even afford a car. Maybe that’s why they’re always hiding in the bushes waiting to take my picture; they don’t have a home and are using my shrubs as shelter. You know, Wilmer used to use my shrubs for other things. Oh!!! Zinger!!!

So…I guess then I’ll see all y’all later. I’m off to the ancient city of Rome where the women are loose and the men have herpes. And, most importantly, the cocaine flows more than Betty White’s menstrual fluid before she hit menopause. Oh!!! Zinger!!!

Hugs and Snorts,
Lindsay Lohan

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Lindsay Lohan, Drugs, Wilmer Valderrama, Cocaine

I'm Excited For Jail Too!

2007-05-27T15:19:00.000-04:00

Dear Paris,

Are you getting ready for the big house? Are ya'? Are ya'? I'm certainly getting ready to go to jail. I just can't wait until that jury convicts me and sends my ass off to prison. You thought I had a wall of sound before? Just wait till I get behind those prison walls...then my sound will really amplify! I'm just afraid that prison life may affect my hair a bit. I mean, I've heard it can be dank and humid in those cells and I certainly wouldn't want my hair to go all frizzy. What you see today is actually a good day with all my hair straightening gel lathered on nice and thick. You should see me on a bad hair day! Girrrrrrrrl, you wouldn't believe it.

So how's everything else going? Things are okay with me. I get up, cry a little bit, masturbate to dreams of John Denver reciting erotic poetry over a subtle wall of sound, cry some more, and then sleep the rest of the day. That is, when I'm not in court. How about you? Things going okay for you? I heard that you were doing something with somebody at that place where people come to see things, but...you know...I could be wrong. I've been wrong before. Like about about that a-hole Lana Clarkson. Bitch just didn't listen to me and...well...oh wait...I shouldn't say anything. Guess I'm still on trial and all that stuff. Hell, everyone knows I'm guilty, but I guess I shouldn't out and out confess...yet.

ANYWHOO....I guess I should go back to masturbating and crying. You should try that too. Although, don't film it. The true joy of "tearful ejaculation" (that's a term I coined) only is experienced during solitary confinement...something you're going to get very used to for at least 23 days.

Tearfully and Spunkfully,
Phil Spector

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Phil Spector, murder, Lana Clarkson, Paris Hilton

Consider The Alternatives, Jennifer Love Hewitt

2007-05-16T12:22:00.000-04:00

Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt,

Hello again. It's been a while since we last spoke and a lot has happened in the interim. Britney Spears has become totally and cerifiably insane. Lindsay Lohan has been caught doing cocaine and exposing her nipple. Even the glorious Jessica Alba has...well...she can do no wrong. But that's beside the point. My point is that you're not getting any younger and it's high time that you wised up and posed for Playboy before you ended up a washed-up, used-up, coked-up hag like the "starlets" described above. Otherwise, it's going to be too late.

The crazy thing is that the answer to all your problems is so simple! And it does NOT involve another Garfield sequel. Nor does it involve anything that has to do with whispering to ghouls. It has purely to do with those Seussian giants above your ribcage - Thing 1 and Thing 2. Just show those small midgets off to the world within the pages of Playboy and all else will fall into place. Untold riches will be bestowed upon you by directors who finally realize that you are indeed a complex actress capable of taking on challenging (and oft sexy) roles. The world will be your oyster so long as you show of your 2 pearls. Until then, the only thing you can hope for is another season of ghost whispering and perhaps a Party of 5 reunion in the not too distant future (in that episode, I'm sure every character will probably be dying of cancer). Clearly one alternative is better than the other. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, or even James Woods, to know which one that is.

So once again I urge you to make the right choice. Pose for Playboy and show us your cans, my dear Jennifer Love Hewitt, and all the world will benefit - particularly you.

Best Regards,
Concerned Fan

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Playboy, Pose For Playboy, Jennifer Love Hewitt Playboy, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Alba, James Woods

I Ate 23 Twinkies In 5 Minutes

2007-05-11T12:19:00.000-04:00

23 Twinkies
5 minutes.

Think about it. Do the math. That's more than 4 twinkies per minute. That's 1 twinkie every 13 seconds. That's 3,450 calories and 103.5 fat grams. All in the span of 5 minutes. Sickening? Most certainly. Disgusting? Absolutely. Vomit-inducing? You bet your bottom dollar. But would i do it again? Without a doubt.

This site is not about me - in its 17 months of existence, there have been only a handful of posts about my actual life. But this was a monumental experience of epic proportions (as the "movie-preview voice" guy would say) that needed to be discussed immediately. Okay, it didn't really need to be discussed immediately, but I thought it would be funny to talk about the fact that I voluntarily entered a competitive eating contest and attempted to eat 50 twinkies in 5 minutes.

Here's how it went: The clock started, I shoved down 23 twinkies, I came in third place, and then I threw up. Funny, right! No? Okay, if that's not funny, then check out this You Tube video: Here. This guy ate 40 Twinkies in 2 minutes. And he was perfectly fine afterwards. Funny, right! No? Okay, I guess personal blogging isn't that interesting to other people because you had to be there (hint, hint world at large).

So, my advice to you people out there who are contemplating competitive eating - do it. It's painful and it's thoroughly disgusting, but at the same time it's a life-changing experience. Okay, not really, but twinkies taste good and...well...that's all you need to know.

Aren't we all more enlightened now? I thought so. Now go and google Bea Arthur's Vagina and call it a day.

Love Always,
Concerned Fan

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Twinkies, Bea Arthur's Vagina

Madonna Caught in Love Triangle With Matthew Mcconaughey and John Ratzenberger

2007-05-02T08:37:00.000-04:00

Dear Madonna and Matthew,

I love both of you. Heartily. Lustfully. Eagerly. Orgasmically. But this triangle we have here is beginning to wear me down. It's tough to give out so much love on such a frequent basis. I'm only so much man! Yes, I'm a hell of a man, and I once played a postman on TV, but I'm still just a mortal. Flesh and blood, you know? And your carnal and emotional demands on me are just too taxing and I'm beginning to crack. Why must you love me so much, my sweet Madonna and Matthew?

It started out all innocently. Matthew, when I first met you, you had your shirt off and your package was glistening in the Florida sun (like usual), and my heart literally stopped for a second (it turns out it was just clogged arteries). And my dear lovely Madonna, I remember seeing your ripped, muscley arms bench pressing a Honda Civic, and I knew I found the old woman of my limited dreams. But when the three of us got together, the sparks were enough to set a country, nay a universe on fire. We were and still are explosive together, sorta like a black man at a Michael Richards fan club meeting, but in a good way. You know?

But now, I'm not sure whether we can sustain it. My love for you is beginning to falter. Not because of lack of want, because I want you more than a medium rare cheeseburger, but I'm just getting too damn tired. I'm not the same man anymore. You've drained me of everything, including gallons and gallons of semen. Has it been worth it? Sure, but I don't think it's sustainable. We must end this now or all of us will suffer. I've seen it in your eyes too. The vacant looks, the expressionless staring - it's all so clear to me. You want out, and you want out now. It's okay, I think it's for the best.

Please, don't misunderstand me, I want this to continue. For the sake of our lives, and our shattered careers (trust me, I've seen your recent movies...they suck), it's time to end this. We could do a ritual suicide, but the easier way is probably just to go our separate directions. Probably.

I bid thee farewell. You will always remain my favorite love triangle ever. Except for the one with Lindsay Lohan and George the Animal Steele, but that's another story....

All of my Love,
John Ratzenberger

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: John Ratzenberger, Cliff Clavin, Matthew Mcconaughey, George the Animal Steele, Lindsay Lohan, Love Triangle

Will Tyra Please Feel My Boobs Too?

2007-04-27T16:56:00.000-04:00

Dear Tyra,

Why do you insist on grabbing so many different boobs? First it was Katherine McPhee, which was kinda hot. But now Rosie O'freakin'Donnell????? Have those top models finally driven you over the edge? My dear, sweet, bodacious Tyra...there exists only one set of boobs that needs grabbing - my man boobs.

Although I may have a hot wife on my sitcom King of Queens, I don't have much of a social life off the set. It's mainly due to my man boobs. When I take off my shirt, people scream and say, "Oh no, Kevin James' man boobs will engulf me like an amoeba eating its prey!" Okay, maybe I'm paraphrazing, but the point is, I have man boobs and they scare away pretty much everyone I meet. Sometimes people will laugh at my stand-up comedy and then vomit in their two drink minimum when I turn too quickly and my man boobs shake and shimmy. I am thoroughly and utterly alone because of my man boobs, but I was hoping you'd help change that. I mean, you love grabbing boobs and I need my boobs grabbed...so it's a perfect fit, no?

You can twist them, cup them, squeeze them, or even spit on them and call them racial epithets. I don't really care, so long as they're being touched. I long for you to grab them, say something like "Girl!!!!" and fake chuckle in that Tyra way. Won't that be awesome? Even better than back to back episodes of King of Queens. Well, maybe not that good, but nobody's perfect.

So...uh...I'll be waiting for you. Just look for the ugly guy with the huge man boobs. Come on over and grab 'em!

In Boobs I Trust,
Kevin James

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Kevin James, Tyra Banks Grabs Boobs, Tyra Banks, King of Queens, Rosie O'Donnell, Katherine McPhee

Joe Francis To Release "Girls Gone Wild: Prison Rape" Edition

2007-04-25T06:46:00.000-04:00

Dear America,

As you may have heard, I'm going to jail for a little while. Anybody who had ever seen one of my Girls Gone Wild videos (ahem...that means you Ben Affleck), knew that I'd eventually end up here, but little did they know I'd be here so quickly! Maybe in 10 years, when one of the topless 15 year old girls I filmed grew up, went to law school, and then sued my ass. But nope, I'm here now. And I have to tell you...I'm loving it. It turns out I'm a huge fan of prison rape! Not being raped, of course, as that is an awful experience that has me crying every night (sort of like watching the Celtics play). What I love is watching prison rape happen and filming people doing it. It's so much fun!

Sadly, I don't get to see nubile young women flash me, so I guess the title of the new video Girls Gone Wild: Prison Rape is a bit of a misnomer. It really should be called Guy On Guy Hardcore Sex: Prison Rape Edition, but that's just semantics. I'm sure my core audience of teenage and 20 year old males will still want to watch it. Who wouldn't want to see convicts yelling, cavorting, fighting, and then having their way with each other. It's my dream come true! Except when I'm being raped. I hate that.

In the end (no pun intended), going to prison was the best thing possible for me. I don't really know why, but people always say that. If this new movie takes off, perhaps I'll have found my calling by filming convicts engaging in sodomy. If it doesn't take off, well, I may be arrested again for the content. Either way I come out a winner. Joe Francis rules!

So, please, spend some of your hard earned cash on this great new video. It doesn't have female genitalia or breasts or anything of that boring nature. Just hardcore inmate on inmate action - Joe Francis style. Boo yah!!!

Rapingly Yours,
Joe Francis

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Joe Francis, Girls Gone Wild, Prison Rape, Female Genitalia

Bush Appoints A-Rod To World Bank; Wolfowitz Sent To Triple-A

2007-04-18T10:01:00.000-04:00

Washington, DC (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Paul Wolfowitz, embattled World Bank leader and one of the primary instigators of both the Iraq war and Affleck-Lopez (i.e., Bennifer) fiascos, has formally been replaced by President Bush in favor of the man-stud and overall hunk machine known as Alex "A-Rod" Rodriguez. Wolfowitz, who recently got in trouble for promoting his long-time sex partner in violation of World Bank ethics, has refused to resign from his position. While the President is a strong supporter of the Wolfmeister, he finally relented to public pressure and demoted the disgraced neocon to the World Bank's AAA farm club in Toledo. Effective immediately, Wolfowitz will be replaced by New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez.

Rodriguez, the self-professed "Lord of all things baseball," has shown the versatility required for the role. For example, he switched from shortstop to third base upon his transition to the Yankees. Also, while he has repeatedly failed in the clutch, he has promised to be better and is eternally optimistic - two qualities valued by the Bush team above all else, including facts and actual performance. Sources indicate that A-Rod will not need to relinquish his roll on the Yankees, as the World Bank doesn't really do much anyway.

When asked to comment on the new position, A-Rod took off his shirt, flexed, and then made out with his wife and made sweet love to Wolfowitz's girlfriend. Wolfowitz, however, declined to comment on the matter and has not indicated whether he will report to Toledo on time. A representative for the Toledo World Bank stated that they are thrilled to have Wolfowitz on board, even if he has never demonstrated any ability to successfully do anything outside the field of Academia.

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: President Bush, World Bank, A-Rod, Paul Wolfowitz, Scandal

An Open Letter to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales From Gary Busey

2007-04-15T14:06:00.000-04:00

Alberto,

Can I call you Alberto? Al? Senor lawyer-guy? Or how about the-dude-who-is-totally-up-shit's-creek? Cuz that's what you are. You know that, right? Yeah, all that "nothing to hide" shit is cute and all, but you are deader than my career. In fact, you're deader than my son's career. You know what? That's dead. Dead, I say.

You want some advice? Just fess up and tell them that you snorted the drugs. Wait, that's not why you're in trouble. Oh yeah, the lawyer firing stuff. You know, I'm not really a politics guy, but it seems to me that everything you've ever done in the history of your life, including this firing stuff, was wrong. Therefore, you should resign your office and pay off my extensive credit card debt. Yup, resigning office is not going to be good enough. You also need to pay MY bills, because that's what the American public would want. How do I know that? I'm an American, gosh darnit, and I know what my people want. Sure, you're an American too, but not a Gary Busey American, which is the best type. So...that's why you need to resign and cut me a check for $278,000. Yes, that is my credit card debt. I'm awesome.

Don't think Mr. Dubya will help you out. He'll sell you out quicker than you can say "incompetent Attorney General," which I'm sure you're used to saying (or hearing). If I've learned anything from my wildly erratic movie career, it's that success if fleeting and often undeserved. Hmmm...sound familiar? No? Oh. Then nevermind. Go rent Predator 2. I'm great in it.

Crazily Yours,
Gary Busey

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Alberto Gonzales, Gary Busey, Lawyers, Attorney General, Jake Busey

Michael Richards Offers Don Imus Some Advice

2007-04-12T07:26:00.000-04:00

What's up my nigga'?

My fellow beleaguered entertainer. So sorry to hear about your predicament. Actually, I'm not really sorry. I'm actually quite thankful that you're finally taking the attention off of me! Then again, every time someone says that the attention is off of me, by virtue of mentioning my name again in connection with a racist incident, the attention goes back on me. So...I change my mind. Fuck you.

Sorry about that. I'm still a little pissed about what happened to me. I can totally sympathize with you, dawg. You been set up by da man! Good ole' Uncle Charlie. Yup, you been set up like a dog on a porch in the summer. Mmmm hmmm.

Anyway, since I've been through the grinder already, I have a couple of tips for you so you don't make this mistake again.

1. If you're going to be racist, go whole hog. Don't just stick with a pathetic "nappy headed hos" comment. I suggest you stand onstage in a club and yell the N-word as loud as you can repeatedly. It worked well for me.

2. Apologize with Jerry Seinfeld. People love funny Jews. Wait, I didn't just say that. Here we go again...

3. When talking about Rutgers, don't ever focus on race. Focus on the rampant STD problem. That's funnier and more relevant.

4. Most of all, don't be an aging entertainer who's past his prime and needs to "push the envelope." Obviously that worked out for both of us.

5. Oh, and finally (because every list needs 5 points), if you're really stuck for material, just talk about Bea Arthur's Vagina. Everyone loves that!

Good luck with the fallout. I hope you have savings, you silly cracker.

With Love,
Michael Richards

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Don Imus, Michael Richards, Rutgers Women, Jerry Seinfeld, Racist, Bea Arthur's Vagina

A Tribute to New Jersey

2007-04-09T22:05:00.001-04:00

Dear Fans of Jennifer Love Hewitt,

As many of you know, Jennifer Love Hewitt was born in NJ. Okay, that's a lie. She was actually born in Waco, Texas...home of everyone's favorite BBQ-flavored sociopath - David Koresh. However, just because JLH is not from NJ, doesn't mean we should hold that against her, or the state itself. Instead we should worship NJ for the peaceful beacon of splendor that it is. And that's what I'd like to do today.

A good friend of Please Do It Ms. Hewitt has put together this mini tribute to the Garden State. It is educational, amusing, and actually serves as a mild laxative as well. So drink it up and enjoy.

New Jersey is a hell of a place. Or just hell. Take your pick.

-Concerned Fan

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Jennifer Love Hewitt, New Jersey

Keith Richards Snorts Lots Of Things

2007-04-04T06:58:00.000-04:00

'Ello,

I'm Keith Richards and I snort a lot of things. As you may have heard, I snorted me dad's ashes. That's right, I mixed his ashes with some blow and did a line on a dead hooker's back (Ben Affleck gave me one out of his private collection). That may sound a bit weird to you, mate, but it's just a regular day for me. I snort everything.

When Britney shaved her head, I snorted the hair. And she kept showing her little snatchy-poo to the world because I snorted her panties. Hillary Duff and Nicole Richie are losing all that weight because I snort their food. President Bush was pissed because I snorted all those WMDs in Iraq. Lindsay Lohan asked me to help her stop drinking, but I couldn't snort her liver. Too damn big. Although I was able to snort Anna Nicole Smith's brain. That was an easy one.

Mick never understood me snortin' habit. He would get mad when I'd snort a groupie or two, but that was just me thing. I just snort everything. You know why they can't find Bigfoot or the Loch Ness monster? I snorted 'em. I would have snorted Dick Cheney's soul, but I couldn't find it. Christina Aguilera asked me to snort her, but I was afraid of catching some contagious so walked away. Although I did snort Jessica Simpson's talent on the way out. And last week I snorted some of Wilford Brimley's insulin.

So if you got something for me to snort, send it my way. I'll snort it up quicker than you can say "Bea Arthur's Vagina." Come to think of it, I probably snorted that too. Jolly good!

Cheers,
Keith Richards

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Keith Richards, Britney Spears, Hillary Duff, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, Jessica Simpson, Wilford Brimley, Dick Cheney, Bea Arthur's Vagina, Anna Nicole Smith

I, Carlos Mencia, Am A Gigantic Douche

2007-03-21T15:11:00.000-04:00

Dear America,

I, Carlos Mencia, officially declare myself to be a gigantic douche. Yes, I have officially surpassed John Edwards as the biggest douche in the universe. My constant unfunny standup combined with my blatant stealing of material has all contributed to my doucheyness. The most recent example of my douchery was my stealing of Bill Cosby's material. That's right, I blatantly stole material from one of the most famous comedians of all time, from one of his most recognizable bits of all time. If that isn't supreme doucheness, I don't know what is.

This shouldn't really come as a surprise to you. I've been called a douche before. I've also admitted to my lack of comedic ability. But now, with this official declaration (along with an affidavit signed by every comedian in the world except Dane Cook, who isn't really an original comedian anyway) I clear up any misgivings and admit to my douchery. So it is written, so it shall be done.

Please, I urge you to boycott my comedy shows and abstain from watching my tv programs. Also, if you see me on the street, kick me in the nuts or throw used douches at me. I certainly deserve it. Only then, will I be able to fully repent in my utter doucheness. Thank you and godspeed.

With all my love,
Carlos "The Douchemeister" Mencia

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Douche, Carlos Mencia, Bill Cosby

Dick Cheney Not Descended From Monkeys

2007-03-20T22:31:00.000-04:00

Thanks to AT for the tip. Check out the source story here

Washington, DC (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

A recent book by renowned primatoligist Dr. Frans de Waal claims that the roots of morality can be seen in the social behavior of monkeys and apes. The renowned scientist claims that "human morality would be impossible without certain emotional building blocks that are clearly at work in chimp and monkey societies." In related news, DNA evidence proves that Dick Cheney is not descended from monkeys.

Skeptics rushed to point out that if monkeys had morals, then this video or this video would never be possible. Other critics, including the Bush administration argued that monkeys never existed and the earth is only 5000 years old and dinosaurs walked with humans and The Flintstones are based on reality and therefore humans couldn't be descended from monkeys so nanny nanny poo poo. Supporters of Dr. de Waal, including Dr. Philip Kitcher are smart and say lots of philosophical things like "there are patterns of behavior we share with our primate relatives that are relevant to our ethical decisions." Nobody really knows what that means, but it sounds really scientific.

No word yet from the Cheney camp, but sources close to the Bleeping Veep indicate that he's proud not to be a monkey and wants to celebrate by shooting someone in the face and invading a sovereign nation (i.e., perform his regular Wednesday activity).

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Monkeys, Dick Cheney, Evolution

Annual NAMBLA Touch Football Game Gets Out Of Hand

2007-03-18T20:47:00.000-04:00

San Francisco, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

What started out as a simple game of touch football, escalated into something far more sinister this weekend at the NAMBLA headquarters in San Francisco. NAMBLA, the North American Man Boy Love Association known for its strident support of sex with minors, had been holding an annual game of touch football for 15 years. While the game was known for putting the "touch" in touch football, it had always remained a friendly affair. That is, until this year's debacle when friendly rivalry turned into an all-out ball-grabbing and crotch-sniffing event.

Luke Schenscher, VP of tween recruitment, was the designated quarterback for this year's event and the focus of most of the violence. Less than 1 minute into play, his balls had been grabbed ten times by the opposing team, at least twice as much as normal. At first the semi-overweight, balding, and intensely sweating QB shrugged off the assaults as just part of the fun. But when they persisted into the game, he got physical and lashed back...and not in the good way.

Said the burly redhead, "You know, a man can only have his sac grabbed so much before he snaps. Look, I like it as much as the next pedophile, but only when a young boy is doing it. When it's other pedophiles, then it's just wrong, man, you know? I can't be disrespected. Sometimes a homosexual pedophile's gotta do what a homosexual pedophile's gotta do."

After the 32nd ball sniffing, Schenscher began throwing haymakers. Sources indicate that he landed punch after punch, cold-cocking at least 10 other NAMBLA freaks before he finally was brought down by the ravenous teen-hungry horde. Apparently, the group had not made out with an underage boy in at least a week and had immense sexual aggression pent up. Schenscher, with his shiny bald head and pouty lips, had always been a target, but things just boiled over at the game.

One player, who preferred to remain anonymous, said that Schenscher was "a dick, and not in the good way," while another said, "I've always wanted to beat that freak, and not in the good way." While there were multiple injuries, nobody was seriously injured and the hospital was able to discharge everyone...and not in the good way.

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: NAMBLA, Luke Schenscher, Touch Football

Billy Crystal Announces Tentative, Maybe, Partial, Sorta, Kinda, Dipping A Toe In, Perhaps, Unconfirmed, Speculative Entry in 2008 Presidential Race

2007-03-12T08:13:00.000-04:00

Dear America,

I, Billy Crystal, do officially announce my probationary entry into the 2008 Presidential race. Long have I stood on the sidelines and watched others run this country into the ground. Well, not anymore. With the exception of Scott Bakula, I am the most qualified man (and I stress the word man) for the job. I urge you to vote for me, if indeed I do run, which is uncertain because I don't want to committ to running until I know I can win, even though nothing is ever certain and I am 100% determined to run, but it sounds better to say I'm exploring the options.

While I don't have any "platform" or "campaign ideas" or more than a "fifth grade education," it shouldn't matter. What should matter is that I starred in When Harry Met Sally and saw Meg Ryan fake an orgasm in a restaurant. That is much more important than an Iraq policy or a stance on the genocide in Darfur. What's more, I can do voices really well, so instead of faking a Southern accent, I can do an outdated Howard Cosell impersonation or a Fernando Lamas "You look Mahvelous" comment. That's the power of Billy Crystal. You see, I can even speak in the 3rd person. Nobody else brings that to the table.

Whereas other candidates will bore you with "ideas" and "rational thought," I'm running on the "you want to have a beer with me" concept, even though most of you don't actually want to have a beer with me and would rather step on my toe and kick me in the shins. But regardless, the point is that I'm famous and you recognize my name, so therefore you should vote for me. And I used to be funny 15 years ago, so that should count for something too.

Anyway, a vote for Billy Crystal is a vote for sanity and male perms, so vote for me! That is, if I decide to run. Which is still up in the air, you know, because I have to explore the idea a bit before I decide anything for sure. Yeah.

All My Best,
Billy Crystal

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: 2008 Presidential Race, Billy Crystal, Scott Bakulall

Scooter Libby Claims He Is Father Of Anna Nicole Smith's Child

2007-03-07T17:33:00.000-05:00

Dear America,

First off, let me apologize for lying to a grand jury, perjuring myself, and all that other crap that I did to get Dicky-boy off the hook. My bad. With that out of the way, I want to address the real crisis affecting America - the paternity battle for Anna Nicole Smith's little baby.

As you may or may not know, OJ Simpson has recently entered the fray claiming that he is the father of little Dannielynn. The self-proclaimed "king of slow moving sperm" (or KOSMS for short) has joined the likes of numerous other celebrity nitwits in falsely claiming fatherhood. They are all liars? I know because I'm the real father.

Some of you may think that I'm doing this to distract you from my conviction. That couldn't be farther from the truth, even if it is actually true. I worked in politics, and as you know, politicians never lie except when they lie. Right now, I'm not lying, I'm just restating a fact incorrectly. I am the father of Anna Nicole Smith's child. My fast-moving sperm were victorious in conquering her yielding ovum. I am entitled to all property rights bequeathed to that child, and the first chance I get, I will improperly leak important information about her to the press. I assure you, this is the truth.

So let it be known, America, that I am not a crook. I am a father with powerful sperm and a strong inclination for a former drug-using stripper who had a reality show. And I don't mean any of the people on The Real World.

Thank You,
Scooter Libby

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Anna Nicole Smith, OJ Simpson, Scooter Laby

Eddie Murphy Fails To Win Oscar; Sets Sights On Norbit Victory Next Year

2007-02-26T15:25:00.000-05:00

Los Angeles, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Eddie Murphy - comedian, actor, and legendary fan of trannies - was upset at last night's Academy Awards show by Alan Arkin in the Best Supporting Actor category. Murphy was considered the frontrunner for the award after recycling his old SNL James Brown character for the movie Dreamgirls. The performance was praised as truly original, despite being completely borrowed from previous works, a unique mixture that was deemed Oscar-worthy. However, victory was not in the cards for Mr. Pluto Nash, as Alan Arkin stole the victory with his turn as an angry, drug-addicted malcontent (i.e., a self-portrait) in Little Miss Sunshine.

Sources close to the Metro star indicated that he was devastated, but is very optimistic about his chances next year when Norbit is eligible. Norbit is, of course, the story of a young man who battles to avoid the desperate clutches of a fat-suit-wearing man dressed in women's clothing. It's a heart wrenching tale of identity confusion, alienation, eating disorders, and fat-suits. Mr. Murphy, playing multiple roles in the movie, drew on his extensive personal history of fat-suit wearing to anchor the characters in reality. When reached for comment, his publicist said that Mr. Murphy is "very proud" of his work and wants "everyone to see the movie" or he will "kill a seven-year-old Mexican girl in his garage."

No word yet from Academy voters on whether or not Mr. Murphy's convincing fat-suit performance in Norbit will catapult him to next year's Best Actor Oscar, but sources close to a homeless man living near a movie theater indicate that Murphy "has no chance in hell. I'm hungry do you have any food?"

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Eddie Murphy, Academy Awards, Alan Arkin, Best Supporting Actor, Norbit, Dreamgirls

Happy Belated Birthday Jennifer Love Hewitt

2007-02-22T06:41:00.000-05:00

Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt,

Happy Belated Birthday! I know you think I forgot your birthday yesterday, but I didn't. In fact, I was trying to get you the best present you could ever want, a high-priced offer to pose for Playboy, but unfortunately my connections fell through. I ended up getting you a simple card, but it's heartfelt and creepy (always a fun combination) so I know you'll love it. Hopefully someone else got you that special birthday posing present, but I'm doubtful they did. You probably just got the normal set of gifts like jewelry and Skoal. That's too bad, because time is running out for you to pose.

Look, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you're not getting any younger. Yesterday's special day puts you one step closer to death. And by death I mean sagging boobs. There are rumors that your boobs have already begun to sag. As the British would say, I think that is bollocks. But it will happen eventually, and each birthday puts you one step closer to that inevitability. You must pose now to avoid that fate. If you don't pose, it will be too late, and your career will permanently suffer and the ogling men of the world will forever suffer.

So I urge you, Ms. Hewitt to make the right choice and pose for Playboy. It is the right choice and the only logical way to celebrate your birthday. Thank you.

Best Regards,
A Concerned Fan

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Playboy, Pose For Playboy, Jennifer Love Hewitt Playboy

Fat Tuesday To Be Renamed "Jessica Biel Ass Day"

2007-02-20T15:07:00.000-05:00

Los Angeles, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Thousands of revelers have descended upon New Orleans to celebrate the drunken event known to the outside world simply as Fat Tuesday. The event has been a staple of New Orleans party life for many, many years, just as Brad Garrett has been a staple at Gigantism conferences for decades. However, in a stunning move, organizers have decided to rename the event "Jessica Biel Ass Day" in honor of the young star's large posterior.

The mammoth-rumped actress, known for her role in something or other, is honored by the name change and has even offered to sponsor the event in exchange for a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts and a bowl of pure lard. Sources close to the event organizers indicate that the original name was going to be Kirstie Alley Day, but then the washed-up actress magically lost weight (i.e., she began vomiting obsessively), and could no longer accurately represent a true "Fat" Tuesday.

No word yet from Nicole Richie's camp, but sources close to the actress indicate that she's boycotting the event on principle.

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Jessica Biel, Fat Tuesday, Kirstie Alley, Nicole Richie, Eating Disorder, Fat Ass

Boston Drivers Can Suck My Ass

2007-02-20T06:41:00.000-05:00

Dear Fans and Friends,

Apologies for not posting for the last week or so. This is what's left of my car after some Masshole ran a red light and we collided in the middle of an intersection. Here's another view:

More funny soon. Some potential headlines in the meantime:

"Britney Spears Gives Up Hair, Sanity For Lent."
"Tim Hardaway Apologizes To All Of WNBA For Anti-Gay Comments"
"Nicole Richie Going To Jail; Special Bars Needed To Prevent Her From Sliding Out."
"Carlos Mencia Steals Joe Rogan's Material; Still Unfunny, But Louder."

-CF

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Britney Spears, Tim Hardaway, Nicole Richie, Carlos Mencia, Tim Hardaway, Joe Rogan

Wilford Brimley Speaks Out About Anna Nicole Smith

2007-02-09T17:31:00.000-05:00

Dear America and Sometimes God Damn Canada,

Another day, another God damn dead starlet. As you all know by now, that big-boned and big boobed hussy Anna Nicole Smith died for as-of-yet undetermined reasons. Am I sad? You bet your God damn Diabetes-riddled ass I am. Like any person over 70 years old, I once had sex with Anna Nicole Smith. She was the best damn lover I ever had, and I sure as God damn hell will miss her. You should too, and I'll tell you why.

For starters, she didn't have The Diabetes, but she still checked her blood sugar and checked it often. Hell, I know many people with The Diabetes who don't check their blood sugar, and that's just wrong as a paraplegic marathon runner practicing on a treadmill. The fact that she proactively checked her blood sugar levels tells me that she had class. Now you're gonna hear many of those God damn news shows say she was a drug user and crazy woman. Don't trust em'. Hell, I never trust a man whose first name is Wolf. What kind of God damn name is Wolf? I once had a dog named Wolf, but we shot him cuz he went crazy and bit my wife near her Wilford Hole. Somebody should shoot that God damn Wolf Blitzer too for spreading lies about my love, Anna Nicole Smith. You'd think he'd have more important things to worry about, like the Iraq war or North Korea or Bea Arthur's Vagina, but instead he spends his God damn time on Anna Nicole Smith. It's a real shame.

I'll also miss Anna Nicole Smith because she loved her Quaker Oats oatmeal. Sure, it dribbled out of her mouth when she was drunk (I said she didn't do drugs, but I ain't ever said anything about her boozing), but that's okay. One time, I was drunk and I rubbed Quaker Oats oatmeal all over my nekkid ass, so I ain't one to talk. The point is, she was a loyal customer. You should be too.

I'll also miss Anna Nicole Smith because she had a reality show on the television. I've been a big God damn fan of reality shows ever since that damn Real World show debuted on the God damn video network. At one point there was a Wilford Brimley reality show in the works where I went around from town to town and yelled at young people to stop being so God damn stupid. It was called, "Shut The Fuck Up, Young Fellow: A Day In The Life Of Wilford Brimley." Unfortunately, HBO shelved the product after they caught me having sex with my wife on set one day. I ain't ashamed of it but I ain't proud either. Sometimes my woman needs some pleasurin' and I can't wait to get to my God damn home to do it. Nowadays if I got caught Having a Wilford on set with my wife, I'd get higher ratings, but back then they weren't ready for my mustache and bare ass. Damn shame.

Finally, I'll miss Anna Nicole Smith because she was tall. That's as good a reason as any, and you'll best agree with me before I come over to your God damn house and explain it to you in person. Tall women are special people and you better understand that or you'll never get any action in this world. Trust me, I'm Wilford Brimley and I know better than you ever God damn could.

So please mourn this great woman, and check your blood sugar if you have The Diabetes. Anna Nicole would have wanted you to.

Pissed Off,
Wilford Brimley

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Wilford Brimley, Relationships, Diabetes, Advice, Anna Nicole Smith

Dakota Fanning Implicated In Global Porn Ring

2007-02-07T12:52:00.000-05:00

Dear World,

I must confess, I, Dakota Fanning, am the ringleader of the international porn ring that was recently discovered by Austrian police. You may think that I am an innocent child actor known for her strong acting ability, precociousness, and tendency to do creepy, underage rape scenes in independent movies. But that is where you'd be mistaken. I am actually a disguised 47-year-old midget named John Lee McGillicutty, known the world over for his sickening devotion to child pornography. Fear me!

The Austrian police will never catch me, for I am a master of disguise. Sure, I'm revealing my identity now, but that is only because I have grown tired of this "Dakota Fanning" character that I have created and will soon take on the appearance of another up-and-coming child actor in Hollywood. Several years ago I created a different fool-proof identity that you may know as Haley Joel Osment. I soon grew tired of him and passed on the role to one of my cronies. Don't you remember when Haley Joel fell off the map? That's when I left him to become this new Dakota Fanning character. Suddenly her career picked up. Coincidence? I think not.

So try as you might world to capture me, but I assure you of one thing: failure. Dakota Fanning fears nobody. I will avoid capture and continue to run my global child pornography ring until such time as I deem it necessary to assume a new identity and disappear underground. Until then, rent War of the Worlds and keep viewing child pornography. Yes, I'm talking to you, Tom Cruise. Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!

Porn,
Dakota Fanning

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Dakota Fanning, Haley Joel Osment, Tom Cruise, Pornography

Mr. Holland's Opus Was The Defining Movie Of Our Generation

2007-02-04T14:08:00.000-05:00

There is a legend whispered amongst the Hollywood elite that Marlon Brando, Jack Nicholson, and Richard Gere were all offered the role of Glenn Holland in Mr. Holland's Opus, and turned it down because they could not do the magnificent role justice. I believe that rumor. Richard Dreyfuss is the only actor with the gravitas needed to portray the inimitable Glenn Holland in what many esteemed film critics consider the defining movie of the past 30 years. Mr. Holland's Opus is a landmark achievement in cinema history, and it must be recognized as such in due haste.

While this movie is filled with memorable scenes, memorable characters, and memorable Hallmark phrases, there is one scene in the movie which defies all convention and stands out as singular accomplishment in writing ingenuity. In this scene, Richard Dreyfuss teaches an African American teenager how to have rhythm in order to help keep him on the wrestling team. That's right, a white mustache-wearing 5'6" piano-playing music teacher is instructing an African American student, who wrestles, mind you, on how to clap to the beat of a song sung, no less, by an African American singer. Let's break that down.

1. A white music teacher who cut his chops playing weddings and Bar Mitzvahs is trying to teach someone how to clap to the beat. This alone is fantastical, defying all common sense. Add in a mustache and you're talking genius.
2. The fact that the student in need of rhythm help comes from a culture known to possess tremendous rhythmic ability (and huge penises)? Score another one for the writers.
3. But wait, there's more. When was the last time you saw an African American wrestler (no, A.C. Slater was not black)? Can't think of one? Neither can I. Truly an inspired choice by the writers.
4. The final touch? The man teaching the student to dance was Richard Dreyfuss. Yes, THE Richard Dreyfuss. This is what pushes this scene into the pantheon of scenes in movie history.

That one scene alone would have elevated this wonderful movie into the rarefied category of classic. Yet that is not the only scene worthy of greatness. Consider these orgasmic displays of acting talent and writing magnificence:

* Mr. Holland's heart-wrenching comparison of his love for music and his newfound love for his unborn child. If I had a wife, and I wanted her to have an abortion, that scene, and that scene only, would have made me leave the alley and put the coat hanger down.

* Mr. Holland's lovely song to his son, Cole, in which changed John Lennon's "beautiful boy" to "beautiful Cole." That, my friends, was inspired and damn near tear-inducing.

* Mr. Holland's near-affair with an 18-year-old high school senior. Don't be a simpleton and think that it was exceptionally creepy for any attractive young woman to fall for Richard Dreyfuss. No, that wasn't the point of the scene. The point was to show that Mr. Holland would not physically cheat on his wife. Sure, he was emotionally fucking Rowena, but that's not real cheating. Richard Dreyfuss gave Mr. Holland a complicated emotional compass and that, dear friends, and that is what acting is all about. And how about that name Rowena? Marvelous choice by the writers. Funky, sexy, and somewhat freaky all wrapped up in a nice bow. Who wouldn't want a Rowena?

* Finally, that powerful final scene where Mr. Holland conducts his great American Symphony. That goodbye party was so sentimental and, dare I say it again, heart-wrenching, that I almost forgot that the whole reason they were having the party was to celebrate Mr. Holland being dumped on his ass due to cutbacks. How was he going to make enough money to eat or pay his bills? Who cares because he finally conducted his symphony. I never would have thought to end with that dichotomy, but after seeing it unfold onscreen, I understand why it was done. The sympathy for his symphony in the assembly made me wistfully and blissfully smile. The real world melted away because Mr. Holland finally heard his opus. What an amazing day.

Clearly, this movie has not received its due praise. I for one, will make it my second mission in life (after getting Jennifer Love Hewitt to pose for Playboy), to trumpet this movie's merits across all the hilltops and treetops and blacktops in the US of A. People must learn that this is no mere movie - it is the defining movie of my generation. Mr. Holland, I thank you for your opus. Richard Dreyfuss, I thank you for your opus, in the form of Glenn Holland. My life would not be the same without it. Thank you.

Best Regards,
A Concerned Fan

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Mr. Holland's Opus, Richard Dreyfuss, Jennifer Love Hewitt

Barbaro Euthanized; David Caruso Next

2007-01-30T12:38:00.000-05:00

Kennett Square, PA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Barbaro - the horse that captured America's hopes, dreams, and occasional night terrors - has been euthanized after suffering yet another setback in its prolonged recovery from a broken leg. Barbaro burst onto the scene as a young horse, trying to make a difference in this crazy world. He didn't just win the Kentucky Derby; he won all of our hearts. His dramatic win at the Derby and terrible injury at the Preakness thrust him into the national spotlight, proving once and for all that Americans care more about injured horses than genocide in Darfur or famine and totalitarianism in North Korea. Sadly, though, his journey ended on Monday as he was put down and then sent off to the Elmer's company for safekeeping.

With the death of Barbaro, David Caruso, star of the popular CSI:Miami show on the geezer network, has now become the most likely next candidate for euthanasia. Doctors around the world are already lining up for the opportunity to euthanize the famed firecrotched thesbian. Caruso, noted for his lack of any discernible talent, charisma, or value-add to the world at large(see also: Britney Spears), has long been a target of the euthanizing community. Said one doctor, "It's not a moral, ethical, or racial thing. It's just...fucking David Caruso."

Sources close to the doctors indicate that Caruso had steadily been climbing the euthanizing list in recent years due to his performance on CSI:Miami. He briefly peaked at number 1, but then was surpassed when Barbaro suddenly became the national hero for some inane reason. He had been holding at 2 for quite some time, slightly ahead of all of the actors in the "So Long, Farewell" commercial for Kia. Now, with the horse's death, he has moved into the top spot and will be euthanized early next week.

No word yet from the Caruso camp, although sources close to the stone-faced actor indicate that he understands what must happen and accepts full responsibility. He even wondered what took everyone so damn long.

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: David Caruso, Barbaro Euthanize, Barbaro, CSI:Miami

Advice For Paris Hilton From a 1980's Movie Japanese Tourist

2007-01-26T07:35:00.000-05:00

Konichiwa Paris Hilton!

Many best wishes on your new exposure. Hi five, man! In Japan we are very big fan of your first sex tape with the guy with the big south of the border thing. He was a cool dude, man. You are great celebrity and we do the dirty, disrespectful thing to ourselves many times to you. Very much like a typical American! We are cool Joe Americans!

As you learn from many 1980s movies, we Japanese love to take pictures and videos. You are like the Japanese, only we stay clothed and do not snort as much of the illegal drugs. Cowabunga! Where's the beef? But these new dirty movies with the sex show your love for the camera. You are honorary Japanese tourist! If you had slightest bit of acting talent, you could play one on the tv screen. Big Mac and fries please! Right on!

Please, keep making more movies and not paying for storage so we Japanese can continue to enjoy your movie making ability. Big fans of you we are. Go America!! Coke is it!

Best Regards,
1980s Movie Japanese Tourist

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Paris Hilton Exposed, Paris Hilton, Japanese Tourist, Sex Tape

Scott Bakula To Run For President

2007-01-18T10:18:00.000-05:00

My Fellow Americans,

It is time for action. Our country is in desperate straits. We suffer from a lack of true leadership and in the absence of such, we have been spiraling down a course of despair and treachery. Our future is dark and our prospects are bleak. If we do not do something now, we will forever be burdened by the consequences of our inaction. We need a true leader to rise up above the smoke and ash and lead our country to victory. I am that true leader. And that is why, I, Scott Bakula, am officially running for President of the United States of America in 2008.

My leadership skills are unquestioned. In the movie Necessary Roughness, I led a rough and tumble group of termagant lowlifes to the Texas state championship. Yes, I was a 38-year-old college freshman who hadn't played competitive athletics in 20 years and smoked 2 packs a day, but I never let that affect my leadership style. I persevered through the hardship, and even got to fuck my teacher. As President I promise to lead our country to success and then fuck all of the women in this country. This is the type of leadership our country needs.

As you know, I also starred in a little show called Quantum Leap. As President, I will use the skills I learned as Sam to right things that once went wrong. For example, I will "leap" back in time and stop our country from invading Iraq. Furthermore, I will prevent Bill Clinton from getting a blow job from Monica Lewinsky and I will prevent Jimmy Carter from being born. Can Obama, Kerry, Edwards, Huckabee, or Hillary do this? I don't think so.

Many of you also will remember me as the captain of one of the Enterprise ships on the aptly named Enterprise. My participation with this show displays my love of science and nerds who live in their parents' basements. As President, I will enact nerd-based tax cuts that will allow these valued members of society to leave their parents' basements and enter the workforce where they surely will invent space travel and warp engines. With this great new technology at our disposal, we can explore the galaxy and kill things. Other Presidents may want to kill terrorists or French people or Brad Garrett. Only I can guarantee intergalactic killing.

Finally, I am qualified to be President because I can handle the Baby Boomer situation. I was a regular on Murphy Brown, and all that time around Candice Bergen taught me how to deal with aging people who reeked of death. My experience on this show provided valuable insight that will be essential when all the Baby Boomers start bleeding the country dry (i.e., retiring).

In conclusion, I promise you, the American people, that I will bring integrity, showmanship, and a history of being on shows that have been canceled (five to be exact). Can anyone else boast of these things? I doubt it. So when it comes time to vote, vote for Bakula on the Fascist Party ticket. I promise to be a benevolent ruler...a benevolent ruler who loves you.

Yours,
Scott Bakula

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Scott Bakula, Quantum Leap, President, Star Trek, Candice Bergen

A Reference Guide to The Holiest of Holies

2007-01-11T14:54:00.000-05:00

Dear Readers,

It has been brought to my attention that many of the recent posts on this site have focused on vaginas, Lacey Chabert, or Lacey Chabert's vagina. While those are all inherently funny topics, it has not been our goal to skew the content so heavily in one direction. Although vaginas are always funny, and I mean ALWAYS funny, we here at Please Do It Ms. Hewitt pride ourselves on the variety of subject matters we discuss. So we pledge to branch out beyond our vagina-limiting confines and skewer new topics like fallopian tubes, the WNBA, or the lack of any physical genitalia on Ewoks.

However, in one final solute to our oft-furry friends, here is a link to Muffy's World of Vagina Euphemisms. It's a source of endless enjoyment for friends, family, and even Lacey Chabert.

Good luck and have fun diving in to Muffy's world.

Best Regards,
Concerned Fan

Parker Posey's Vagina Identified As Source Of NYC Odor

2007-01-09T11:43:00.000-05:00

New York, NY (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

The source of the foul-smelling odor that permeated Manhattan yesterday has finally been identified as stemming from the vagina of famed actress Parker Posey. Earlier today, city officials pinpointed the origins of the unknown smell in New Jersey. While that seemed a very logical choice given New Jersey's history of being a barren wasteland filled with nothingness, emptiness, and Parsippany, it turned out to be wrong. Ms. Posey's noxious woo-woo was fingered by several sources in the East Village as the root cause of the smell.

Known as "Queen of the Indies" for her prolific work in independent movies, Posey has long been rumored to have foul-smelling woman parts. Sources deep within the movie industry have indicated that her stinky poo-poo has kept her out of many leading roles, despite her obvious acting talents. Recently, however, she had been making a name for herself with large roles in Superman Returns and Blade:Trinity (or its alternate title How I Learned To Cheat The IRS: By Wesley Snipes).

Doctors cannot explain how one woman's private parts were able to disseminate such a widespread wretched aroma, but they are investigating Courtney Love and Lacey Chabert for more clues on this rare phenomena. Initial hypotheses center around a midnight skinny dip in the East River. No word yet from Ms. Posey, but several witnesses recently saw her exiting CVS with a bag of cotton balls and multiple bottles of oil and vinegar dressing.

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Parker Posey, Vagina, New York City Odor, Lacey Chabert, Courtney Love

Hey Jennifer Love Hewitt, Are You Even Listening To Me?

2007-01-02T14:31:00.000-05:00

Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt,

We meet again. And once again our meeting is precipitated not by a long-awaiting posing in the forever-acclaimed cultural icon that is Playboy, but instead by a posing in a sub par magazine reserved for the Lacey Chaberts and Amanda Bynes of the world. Once again, you have disregarded my wise words and posed for a shit-tay magazine. In this situation it was CVS, but it easily could have been Wal-Mart or K-Mart or Target (pronounced Tar-zhay). Sadly, you continue to ignore my advice and further tarnish both your respectability, overall hotness, and general "street cred." Word?

The first occasion that you stooped below your anointed status as code blue hottie and posed for an inferior magazine, was when you graced the cover of American Way magazine, an inflight magazine for an airline!! While I was angry, I was willing to forgive you. This time, your sin is cardinal. I cannot understand why on earth you posed for a CVS magazine. CV-fucking-S??? You used to be a paragon of hotness, whacked upon by a generation of adolescents coming of age. Now...you adorn the cover of a magazine given away free to people buying Preparation H?. What the hell? Sure, some say that all publicity is good publicity. However, some also say that you can "catch pregnancy" by sitting on a toilet seat. The lesson, as always, is that "some" people are usually wrong.

Ms. Hewitt, oh my dear Ms. Hewitt, this cover idea was a grand mistake. Your beauteous face should be reserved only for magazines which will also show your beauteous bosoms. In short - Playboy. We are now approaching the one year anniversary of my initial plea to you to pose for this great publication, and it appears I must renew my call to arms.

Pose now for the sake of the children in our society. Pose now for the sake of the poor homeless men starving in the streets. Pose now for the sake of all of the battered husbands whom Tawny Kitaen has tossed aside. Pose now for all the esoteric and obscure references I've made in my pleas to you, such as the last one about Tawny Kitaen. Pose now for Bea Arthur's Vagina. Most of all, pose now for your own self-respect and dignity. You are a proud woman with a great rack, and that rack must be displayed for all to gaze upon in wonder.

Once again, I urge you to make the right choice. Happy New Year to you and your breasts.

Best Regards,
A Concerned Fan

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Playboy, Pose For Playboy, Jennifer Love Hewitt Playboy, Tawny Kitaen, CVS, breasts, Lacey Chabert,, Bea Arthur's Vagina

Paris Hilton To Host Saddam Hussein Execution After-Party

2006-12-29T17:03:00.000-05:00

Los Angeles, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Paris Hilton, noted socialite and world-renowned mattress tester, has announced that she will host the biggest, grandest, and most morally reprehensible Saddam Hussein execution after-party ever held. The party will commence immediately after he is officially declared dead with a celebratory shot in her palatial apartment. Drinks will continue afterwards at a variety of Hollywood hot spots.

The execution after-party has long been a Hollywood tradition, beginning after the Nuremberg trials, continuing straight through the Vietnam war, and peaking during the Cambodian Khmer Rouge rebellion when executions happened daily. In the past, luminaries such as Milton Berle, Bob Hope, Dick Van Patten, and Margot "I Once Ate My Own Hair" Kidder have hosted the wild execution-themed bashes. Ms. Hilton, however, has promised to top them all.

Speaking through a publicist, the blond sexpot said, "I've never heard of this Iraq place that everyone keeps talking about, but I think that we definitely should have gone to war or something. That's why we should celebrate when that Hussmayne guy gets killed. It'll be so hot." She later added, "I'm a whore."

Many celebrities - including George Clooney, Matt Damon, and Lacey Chabert - have indicated that they will not attend in protest. But Jim Belushi will be there. As will Ms. Hilton's newfound friend, Britney Spears, who plans to get drunk and throw up on someone, just like she does every day. Said one source close to the fake-boobed, panty-less, white-trash, talentless hack, "Britney is delighted to be attending the Hussein execution after-party and promises to give 10,000 dollars to charity for each shot she takes." Charities are already lining up to cash in on the expected windfall.

Hussein, whose execution is imminent, has yet to comment on the party, but sources close to the former dictator indicate that he's excited by the prospect that his death will lead to great things such as this party. Sources also indicate that he's happy his war crimes and attempts at genocide have finally led to something that will make people happy.

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Saddam Hussein, Execution, Jim Belushi

A Very Special Gerald Ford Eulogy by Gary Coleman

2006-12-28T09:58:00.000-05:00

Gerald Ford, former President of the United States, died the other day. As we have in the past (#1, #2, #3, #4, #5), we here at Please Do It Ms Hewitt turned to our diminutive friend Gary Coleman for a response. Apparently, learning from our mistakes is not what we do best.

Whatchu Talkin' Bout Gerald Ford,

Why didn't you pardon me? I was an international star of great fame, fortune, and mystery and yet you stole all of my glory by pardoning Richard Nixon instead of me. Clearly you should have been calling me up and congratulating me for playing Arnold Jackson with such wisdom and talent. But you didn't and now you are dead, robbing me of the pardon that I so justly deserved. I was on TV for 8 years! I am the greatest actor in the universe. You are not. And that is why I hold you accountable for your death.

Clearly we should be celebrating my life. Yet, you go and die, making the world focus on your "presidency" and "legacy" and "hair." Why must you do this to me during my time of need? Have you no sense of decency? Have you no sense of pride? Have you no cents? Cuz I don't. I need money. Lots of money. And thus we are saddened by your death.

In conclusion, I wish that you would stand up and tell the world that I deserve a pardon for everything. I don't care if you are dead. I've seen dead people before and will see them again. I see everything. One time I saw Mr. Drummond trying to touch Natalie from the Facts of Life. I didn't call the police because I'm Gary Coleman! Did you hear that? I played Arnold Jackson! You will never learn, and for that I shall mourn you.

Sadly,
Gary Coleman

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Gary Coleman, Gerald Ford, President, Mr. Drummond, Eulogy, Arnold Jackson

Happy Holidays From Wilford Brimley

2006-12-16T20:01:00.000-05:00

Dear America and Sometimes God Damn Canada,

It's that God damn time of year again. No, not that God damn time of month. It's that time of year when the God damn festive spirit creeps up inside us like a rotting mass of bacteria. That's right, it's the holidays.

Since I have The Diabetes, I can't celebrate too much. It ain't good for my blood sugar levels, which I check often. But just cuz I ain't celebrating don't mean that I ain't happy and festive. To prove that to you, I've put together this little holiday greeting. Enjoy it while you're eatin' your Quaker Oats special Christmas oatmeal.

Here's the clip: Go Elf Yourself, courtesy of Wilford Brimley

Pissed Off,
Wilford Brimley

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Wilford Brimley, Diabetes, Go Elf Yourself, Christmas

The Return of Wilford Brimley!

2006-12-10T17:14:00.000-05:00

Dear America and Sometimes God Damn Canada,

It's been a long God damn time since I last spoke to ya'. I ain't gonna apologize for the delay as it's my God damn prerogative when I want to say something. You should be happy whenever I grace your life with my God damn wisdom. So don't be complaining to me. Just accept me and move the hell on.

So I gots a lot on my mind today as there's a lotta crap going on in this world. And it's been pissing...me...off. Let's go through each God damn thing:

1. Britney Spears has been going around flashing her God damn clown's pocket every which way but Sunday. That ain't what a lady is supposed to do, but then again, she ain't no lady. Now I ain't one to sermonize, but I think all you young fellas these days spend too much time worshipping these God damn airheaded-meat-curtain-showing harlots and hussies running around Hollywood with their vay-ginas in the air and their heads in the clouds. That creates a culture of coochie, which is not the culture our God damn founders had in mind when they created the US of God damn A. If left unchecked, Britney Spears and her kookooyumyumpoon will destroy us all. Someone's gotta do somethin' and fast.

2. Nicole Richie got a God damn DUI. What the hell was she doing driving? Since when do skeletons have licenses? Of course she was God damn drunk. If I ate only one Cheerio a week and then drank a bottle of wine each hour, I'd be drunk as a God damn skunk too. Of course, I don't do that because I have The Diabetes and it would kill me. But that don't mean she should either. Damn whore.

3. Lindsay Lohan is in AA. Well, it's about time. She drinks more than an Irish man at a Nick Nolte birthday party. And let me tell you, that's one hell of a lot. I know she's able to drink more than most women cuz she keeps the booze in those God damn oversized boobies. But still, I think it's a healthy thing to admit when you have a problem and try to fix it. I once had a gambling problem. I didn't realize it until too late and I had already killed my bookie with a carving knife and a spatula. I ain't proud of it, but it happened, and that's final. Ms. God damn Lohan has admitted she is drunk and is fixing herself. Good for that bitch.

4. Something happened with President Bush, Iraq, and something or other, but I couldn't care less because I only watch the God damn E! channel.

That is all for now. I could go on and on, but I'll save some God damn ranting for next week. Until then, if you have any God damn relationship questions, send them to me at pleasedoitmshewitt@yahoo.com. Eat your Quaker Oats, check your blood sugar, ignore Bea Arthur's Vagina, and be a good God damn citizen. Or I may just come and get you.

Pissed Off,
Wilford Brimley

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Wilford Brimley, Relationships, Diabetes, Advice, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Bea Arthur's Vagina, Nicole Richie DUI

Whore to Spawn

2006-12-06T19:05:00.000-05:00

Los Angeles, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Paris Hilton, noted socialite and underwear designer for Britney Spears, has proclaimed her insatiable desire to have children. Hilton, who for years has been practicing to conceive a child or 400, feels its time she popped one out and started raising it as her own. Commenting to Life & Style Weekly, the socialite said:

"It's been my dream to have four babies by 30. I look after animals, so I'd have a lot to give my kids, like dog food and a leash."

She later added:

"The good news is that I've stretched out my vagina so much from frequent anonymous sex that the baby will practically fall out."

Critics have condemned Ms. Hilton's desire to spawn as a potential form of cruel and unusual punishment to a child or children. Sources close to ex-boyfriend Nachos Rancheros indicate that he's not ready for children but is willing to try having them as long as Paris is willing to take birth control and wear a condom during sex. Ms. Hilton's parents, on the other hand, welcome a new child or children as they think it will help Paris "stop snorting so much God damn cocaine."

No word yet from Britney Spears on her new friend's dreams of motherhood, but sources close to the panty-less pop princess indicate that she's offered to babysit the little Hiltons, drunk or sober. Therapy sessions for the yet-to-be-born children are already being planned.

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Nachos Rancheros, Motherhood, Vagina

From One Shaved Pussy To Another

2006-12-02T13:40:00.000-05:00

Dear Britney,

Would you stop it! Every time I look up I see your shaved pussy. Shaved pussy here and shaved pussy there. You know, from one shaved pussy to another, you're starting to give us a bad name.

It's not easy being a shaved pussy. People constantly stare at me and wonder how I got to be the way I am. As a celebrity targeted by the paparazzi, I'm sure you understand my plight. And that's why your recent flashing remains so puzzling to me, king of the shaved pussies. Why would you go and flash your shaved pussy to the world, in the process increasing your exposure (no pun intended)? If anything, I thought you'd wear granny panties or even thermal underwear in public, just to prevent such an event from occurring. But alas, you wore nothing and then flashed the world the smile they've been waiting to see.

Many people will blame Paris Hilton for your behavior. I will do no such thing. Paris has been a friend to the shaved pussy community for many years. Tarnishing her name would be improper. Personally, I think you only have yourself to blame. You chose to leave your underwear at home. You chose to wear a skirt that only reached your hips. You chose to shave your birth lips and go out in public, or pubic as the case may be. Me? I had no choice in my shaved pussy-ness; it was thrust upon me. I don't go parading it around like some little hussy. I stay at home, poop in litter, eat cat food, drink milk, and regret my existence as a shaved pussy. You could learn a thing or two.

Best Regards,
Vlad - King of the Shaved Pussies

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Britney Spears, Shaved Pussy, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears Vagina, Vagina

Happy Thanksgiving From Lorenzo Lamas

2006-11-22T17:10:00.000-05:00

Dear America,

Happy Thanksgiving! I am Lorenzo Lamas, America's official Thanksgiving representative three years running. It is my distinct pleasure to welcome in the holiday for you, to you, and most importantly - with you. Let us celebrate together.

First, a small prayer. Dear Lord Almighty, savior of my people and creator of the hit TV show Charmed, I ask of you to bless this great land called America on this most blessed of all secular holidays. I ask for you to watch over us as we consume great quantities of food, drink heartily, insult our relatives, and drive drunk on the roads. Please keep our bellies full, our hearts pure, and our latin love-sticks caliente! And let us say, Amen.

And with this prayer under our belt, it's time for the celebrating to begin. As the official Thanksgiving representative me and my superior pectoral muscles are proud to usher in this weekend full of fun, mayhem, and maybe even a little nookie. Well, I'll certainly get action, but that's because I am Lorenzo Lamas - manstud extraordinaire. Perhaps my studliness will rub off on you. Then you too shall enjoy Thanksgiving as it is meant to be spent - on top of a beautiful woman.

With Love,
Lorenzo Lamas

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Lorenzo Lamas, Thanksgiving, Shirtless Hunk

Michael Richards - I Love All Black People And Chinks Too

2006-11-20T12:29:00.000-05:00

Dear Black People,

I love you very much. Contrary to popular opinion, I'm not a racist. I love all black people, and all their black things like watermelons and fried chicken. How could I be a racist when I love KFC? You may not know this, but I wrote several Seinfeld episodes to be performed in blackface. They didn't perform them, but obviously I wouldn't have written those scenes if I didn't love black people.

Look, this whole "n" word controversy is so blown out of proportion. Let me tell you, there isn't a person on earth who loves black people more! I love to talk with them, have sex with them, and even consume them as part of a six course meal. I love them that much! I just want to eat them up!

You know who else I love? Chinks, or Chinamen as you may know them. They're so cuddly and Asian. I once had sex with a beautiful Asian women and instantly got better at math. It's true. Genital to genital contact with an Asian person increases your math and science skills. I urge you to do it today. I will...right after I finish writing a love note to all the black people on earth.

So I hope you all understand that I'm not a racist. I really do love black people and chinks. You should too. They're awesome.

Best Regards,
Michael Richards

******************

Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

Tags: Michael Richards, Racist, Black People, Seinfeld